A Blog Darkly
Space and Time
I'm trying to wean myself off the internet. Specifically off Bluelight. I've come to realise what some of the other regulars already have - that, while it's a fascinating place, in the end it limits your social interaction with real people.
No, that's unfair. I've made some good friends off there, and even met some of them IRL. But I need to interact more with the people around me. When enough people start saying that, there's probably some truth in it. I'm also trying to make it easier to deal with being apart from Cory. I'm essentially trying to get over her by slowly absenting myself. Probably not the best strategy. I know that a sharp clean break is preferable. But I can't do that. At the same time, I can't stop thinking about her. So what to do? Keep hoping against hope? At the moment that looks like the only game in town.
It's taking a lot of will to avoid BL right now though. The URL's there, in my history, and it would be so easily to click click through and I'm there. But I can't keep living my life dependent on people that I only interact with electronically.
Bleh. [/moan].
Today is hardly worth talking about. It rains like hell in Wellington, and I clear more junk off my desk. By dumping it on someone else's, in their absence. I also manage some good answers to reference questions, and half convince my new boss of the value of the software package we're using (which I'm basically one of the NZ experts on, seeing as it's so new here).
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Distance....
Waiting, but with not much hope, unfortunately. I wish I could see inside her head, understand what was really going on. But at the same time, I think on some level she doesn't know what's going on. At least, I hope she doesn't. The signals are so mixed as to be impossible to decipher: she calls me from a party that loads of her friends are at. She wrote to me today talking about the parcel she's putting together to send to me, and suggesting that we read the same book so we can talk about it, share an experience. Yet in the same email, she talked about Christian, at length.
I don't know. I really, really do not know what is going on. If I'm being honest with myself, I would say that she is starting to see me as a friend that was once something more intimate. But then again, I'm a chronic depressive who thinks that people are plotting against him and that most people hate him, until they come out and tell me otherwise. (OK, I've stopped thinking people are plotting against me - at least, as much as they were. Looks like the therapy's working. Or something is, anyway).
But my point is: how do I know? I have no way of determining the reality of the world around me. I'm just going to persevere, try to live my life, get on with existing where I am, and not expect anything from her and me. And yet. I have a feeling that is something which is easier in the saying than the doing.
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I manage to get up early and shower and shave and put on a decent shirt. This (all combined) is actually quite an achievement, although I've managed it for a few days in a row now. It's the little things that matter. Especially when I've been so de-motivated that I can't be bothered shaving. Not that that's been caused by anything new, I've been like that for months now. Classic depressive symptom, really. If you've felt it, you understand. Like, I know I should shave, but the idea of doing so just seems like waaay too much effort.
Anyway. A positive day. I actually get a few things done at work, plus my credit card statement has arrived, which means I can do an expense claim and get money back from work - it's over $1000 - which I need right now.
I make it to the Film Society, which is screening Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control by Errol Morris. A very strange documentary about a lion tamer, a gardener, a robot scientist and a biologist. That somehow works very very well.
On the way down I see some disturbing graffiti. It says 'smash Schenck'. Susan Schenck is a psychology professor at my university - she's doing studies on the long-term effects of MDMA. And she's using rats as subjects. The local animal rights people haven't taken kindly to her - well, one guy anyway. He's already been in trouble for bursting into her lecture theatre to denounce her, and she had to have security guards there for a while. Waaaaay over the top.
On my way home I see a tent set up in Te Aro Park. I'm initially hopeful that it's some sort of land rights issue and that it's the work of 'Brother' (aka the Blanket Man, the half naked Maori homeless guy who is looked on as some kind of visionary by a lot of people). It turns out to be some kind of student thing, no doubt a protest against the probable fee rises of next year. Disappointing.
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Saturday 27 September: "they're trying to show mentally ill people as normal"
Saturday continued:
in the middle of the rugby I got a call from Baltimore, where 20-odd Bluelighters were getting very, very drunk. Managed to have a reasonably coherent chat to Cory, despite the noise, the poor line, and my deafness. I was truly touched that she thought of me.
A few hours later and Tahnda has nixed our plans to go drinking and complain about life, saying she feels too sick. I'm just making plans to catch a movie when Kieran calls, he's back in the country after 6 months in Melbourne. So we try to decide between Pirates of the Caribbean and Secretary. I vote for the latter. Bad move - it isn't actually that good (next time I'll listen to people's recommendations) and Kieran hates it (he's very, very sexually conservative).
I did like the line that he came up with on his way out of the movie: "they're trying to show mentally ill people as normal". I decide not to remind him that I've been doped to the eyeballs on prozac for over a year.
We head across to Amba where Laurence is watching a friend of his sing in a jazz band. Good laidback fun. And they do a succession of 80s tunes in a jazz style: 'Should I stay or should I go', 'White wedding', stuff like that. Not bad fun.
I leave about 1 having had one beer (which has still gone to my head - damn prozac). Am tackled while walking up Courtenay Place, and it turns out to be Adrianne, who gives me a huge hug and tells me she's got a boyfriend. I'm happy - she was chasing around looking for someone so desperately, and now she's found someone. She introduces me to the people she's with, and the guy gives me an odd look. It takes me till 10 minutes later to realise that he's one of the guys she was sleeping with while she was sleeping with me. Hmmm. Surely he's not jealous?
Sunday it rains and rains and I go to lunch with Kaaryn and the Warriors lose to the Panthers and are out of the playoffs
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Sat 27 Sep: Thinking about distance
Something inspired me recently to think about how far away many of my friends were from me. So here's a list of everyone, and where they are. In order of distance from me.
* Brother - Wellington, New Zealand
* Sister - Wellington, New Zealand
* Father - Wellington, New Zealand
* Laurence - Wellington, New Zealand
* Tanja - Wellington, New Zealand
* Anthony - Wellington, New Zealand
* Vanita - Wellington, New Zealand
* Shelley - Wellington, New Zealand
* Mother and Stepfather - Kawhia, New Zealand
* Michael - Auckland, New Zealand
* Beth - Auckland, New Zealand
* Brad - Sydney, Australia
* Jonathan - Sydney, Australia
* Sel - Melbourne, Australia
* Paul - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
* Kim - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
* Vana - near Athens, Greece
* Cory - New Jersey, USA
* Amy - New York State, USA
* Jane - London, England
* Angela - London, England
* Dave - London, England
* Damian - London, England
* Matt - London, England
* James - London, England
* Adele - Essex, England
That's a lot of distance between me and many of the people I care about. Both a blessing and a curse of the modern age, I guess.
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Friday 26 Sep: Dancing in the indie club
Tanja and I have been planning to go to 24 Hour Party People all week. It's a Brit-pop/indie type club night that happens every couple of months or so.
I spend all Friday trying to get hold of her without luck, and have just resigned myself to spending the evening on the couch, when she turns up very very drunk on my doorstep. She's been drinking since she left work, four hours ago.
So we stagger downtown, stopping to grab her a kebab. The guy in the shop seems half crazy - he's basically shouting at us. We feel slightly uncomfortable, till a cop comes in to order food and gets the same treatment. Maybe he's deaf? I can identify with that, a little.
Tanja nearly has second thoughts about the night when she realises that Drake might be there. It's only been a month or so since she broke up with my brother, and let's say the scars are still quite fresh. Not surprising after they'd been together four years. Also not surprising that he's got a new girlfriend already, nor that she should be bitching about this, supposedly out of concern for him.
Anyway, we're among the first into the venue, but it soon fills up. I'm quite impressed, the DJs actually play some records I don't own - even some I haven't heard before. By midnight the dancefloor is packed, Tanja is dancing with some random shaven haired guy, and I remember that I shouldn't be drinking alcohol, get suddenly drunk, and stagger home.
Today has been beautiful, first real sunny day of spring. Of course, outside the wind is gusting about 40mph, so it's not actually that pleasant, but it looks good from my perspective, stuck inside and working.
In about half an hour Wellington play Canterbury at rugby, with the Ranfurly Shield at stake. This is the big one - the most important rugby trophy in New Zealand. We haven't won it for 18 years. Wish us luck.
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Waiting.....
So. We've both used the 'L' word.
After a week of confusion, anger and sadness, we're back on the same page. And we realise what we feel about each other.
But. We're on other sides of the world. She's trying to decide what she really thinks, if we can find a way around the distance.
Wish me luck.
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Metal fan set to take their life on stage
Band support fan's right to die....from
NME.com.
I was all set to be outraged by this, till I actually read the whole article. Seems that the fan is a terminally ill member of a euthanasia society, and is doing it to raise awareness of dignified death. I'm still not sure about this one. While I'd support their right to make their own decision about this matter, has anyone thought of the impact on the audience of watching someone die?
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Fear of phone calls
Funny how lingering paranoia can make even the simplest things seem scary. I spent most of last night worrying about two phone calls I was going to receive today. One work-related, one personal. The work one was worrying me because (I guess) I was afraid of causing something to go wrong. Of course, nothing went wrong, it was a perfectly routine discussion with a supplier, but I still worried. Something to work on, I guess.
I think that worry generalised itself, because Cory was due to call me as well, and I was incredibly nervous about that. Notwithstanding that we'd spoken on AIM for about 1 1/2 hours the night before. Of course, that went well too. I wish I was in Philadelphia now. But I'll find a way.
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Double good
Today I smiled - twice. I got back my assignment for the management paper I'm doing, and I got a B+. This is the paper that I researched and wrote on my trip around the US, almost exclusively on planes. I wrote the final draft on the flight from New York to Wellington, where, let's say, I had other things on my mind. Not to mention being tired as anything. I can't believe it, I was honestly worried that I wasn't even going to pass, or get a C or C+. Now I'm on course for a decent grade for the class.
In my second piece of good news, I was sitting in class and one of my classmates asked me if I planned to go back to the US. Now, I desperately want to go back to the US (because Cory's there) but realistically I can't (other than for a short holiday) because I've committed to this course of study. And I don't finish (being part-time) until Feb 2005. Which is a long, long time. I realistically can't give up the study, because I'd then be partially-qualified, with little work experience (and good luck trying to find a job in the US right now without decent skills, right?). So my classmate came up with the obvious solution: go back to the US, and keep studying, but do it online. So obvious, but I'd missed it. Half our class already studies via distance learning anyway, so why should it matter if I'm in the US?
So I've solved another part of the puzzle. Now all I need to do is find a way to support myself while I'm in the US. Because I won't be legally able to work (I think), and I don't have any money saved. Time to find a sugar mommy?
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Somewhat delayed, but....
Rejoice!
The Pixies are back!
That is all.
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Encroaching adulthood and responsibility
Today was pay day. It's noteworthy for me because it marks the first pay day when I've made voluntary repayments on my student loan. I'm c$30, 000 in debt, which was beginning to hang over me. And the debt was just big enough that the mandatory payments (taken out of my wages) weren't doing any more than paying the interest, plus a tiny bit of the principal. And the interest would have been written off anyway, if I hadn't earned enough to pay it.
So I've set myself up with a strict repayment regime. I'm putting aside $1000 per month to pay it off. That's an additional $800 or so on top of the mandatory repayments. I figure that I've got two options. Either repay the whole thing in about three years (assuming my salary doesn't change) or pay it off at this level for a year or so, thus reducing the interest sufficiently that I can repay it relatively quickly through the mandatory repayments.
Responsibility. Feels good.
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Not dancing
Was planning on going to Studio Nine to see Concord Dawn, but I think I've pulled out. I'm not feeling 100 percent, and right now I don't have the energy to pull an all-nighter, not with two huge assignments looming over me, and considering I made it to 4am last night. Drake and I were checking out the Herbaliser DJs, again at Studio Nine. Now, I'd seen the Herbaliser before, and thought they were pretty good, so I figured this would be worthwhile.
And it was - almost. But I was somewhat disappointed - I was expecting this hiphop/dub monster sound system playing freaky sounds. Instead, we got two DJs mixing up hiphop and oldschool funk and soul. Very weird. It was a good set, but hardly worth paying $38 for. A lot of what they played was so obvious ('Root Down', '3 is the Magic Number', 'Can I get a Witness?', 'The Message' (!) - most people who like that sort of music are going to have heard those tunes 1000s of times. It was like being in that club in New Orleans listening to 'Uplifting Trance Anthems of 2001' on rotate. Good music, but I want to hear something fresh and interesting, not the same old. And I was expecting them to be playing their own sounds, not someone else's.
It wasn't a bad night, and if it had been a local DJ spinning for say $10 I would have said it was fantastic. But I guess I expected something more.
Drake also claims that Casey, his new girlfriend, thinks I hate her. This is based apparently on a look I gave her six months ago when I first met her. I don't think we actually spoke to each other at the time, and I hadn't seen her since, until today, when I ran into them by chance on the way to the rugby. We smiled at each other, but it felt quite awkward.
Wellington won the rugby, and I seem to have made an arrangement with my father to go clubbing - Phoenix are putting on EarthDance next Saturday, and he's always said he wanted to go to a dance party. So this is his chance. I have to respect that, although I have a feeling he will find the experience more than a little strange.
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Cory called....
I'm happy. I can't remember a time when I felt like this. OK, I can't remember a time when I felt like this, and it was reciprocated. It's a powerful feeling. What's 10, 000 miles between friends?
On the downside, I've spent the last two days trying to remote access the university databases, only to find that apparently I no longer have access. From conversations in class, it seems like it's a common problem. So I've achieved nothing today, study-wise.
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Personal? It's all personal
I've created this blog because I was finding it hard striking a balance in my previous one between the professional, library-related stuff that interested some readers, and the personal trivia that interested my friends. So I've decided to use this as a dumping ground for all my personal posts, things that are really of limited interest to anyone who doesn't actually know me. The 'trials and tribulations of a library student' stuff will continue in its old home of
VALIS Blog,
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