A Blog Darkly
06-05-2004 12:49: And now, we get on better (SIBS #4)
So the last few days at Cory's place were interesting.
She was working an incredible number of hours (125 in 12 days, no days off) while I was there. She would get up for work around 7 or 8am, and get back after 1am - I'd often be back in bed by then. I really don't know how she did it - the girl has my respect.
And we were getting on a lot better. We didn't spend much time together, but it was pleasant, and I felt I could actually handle a life like that.
And then on the last few days, things got better. On my last day in Alberquerque, she had to go to work for a few hours, but she came home with a couple of kickass farewell presents - a weirdly-shaped mug and a very cool blanket (which was sooooo useful at Coachella). Little things, but little things are important. I was touched.
Then we went for breakfast and she was asking me to stay on for a few days. I couldn't - not only did I *really* want to go to Coachella, but if I didn't go then Mariposa couldn't either - I had to pick up her ticket using photo ID, so only I could get it. So I convinced Cory to come with me.
It was great. The whole Friday and Saturday we spent together we got on really well, in all sorts of circumstances - shopping, flying, in the hotel room, driving, at the festival, on psychedelics, etc. I can't believe how good it felt being with her....
Like this was how I wanted the relationship to be. And I was even hopeful that we might find a way to keep things going....
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(3 May) Back home
Ah, what a fantastic few days. I'll post a proper entry about it in a few days, but it involved farewell gifts from Cory, spontaneous decision by Cory to come to Coachella, shopping trips, flights to San Diego, lost hotels, Spencer and bdreligngirl picking us and Mariposa up and driving to Palm Springs, a kick ass concert, randomly running into LapDawg and Amazon Bee while walking around the venue, me losing several drug virginities, the PIXIES, Radiohead, Kraftwerk, insanity, a 45 minute wait at the Jack in the Box drive through, checking into our hotel at 2.30 am, more music the next day, a tearful farewell to Cory, the Flaming Lips, Mogwai and the Cure, three Bluelighters thinking I'd OD'd because I wasn't answering their knocks on my door (they were knocking on the wrong door, I was 4 doors down watching Happy Days), getting lost on the way back to San Diego, missing my train, but still making it to LAX OK, flying home on a half-empty plane and getting to sleep across a row of seats (luxury!), meeting two Mormon missionaries, and feeling like I was going to die as the plane struggled to land in Wellington through gale force winds.
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(29 April) "I'm too old/you're too young" (SIBS #3)
[Self-indulgent. For my memories, more than anything else. You don't want to read this. Probably]
A House. Absolutely unknown Irish band, with like 2 good songs. One of which was 'You're too young'.
So anyway. This wasn't even a deep conversation, it just grew out of a passing reference (to my inability to remember to water plants, and therefore my likely unsuitability as a parent). To the subject of actually having children. And though she wanted to have kids quite quickly, her opinions have changed sharply, and she's now planning to wait at least 10 years. Which is fine. I'll be 41.
That's where it hit me that there's nothing I can do to salvage this. Distance? Sure I can overcome that, no problem. Time? Yeah, I can wait. But I can't make myself younger. Of course, there's always the possibility of changing her mind (either having kids earlier, or accepting kids with an older father), but I think this is where the age difference is really starting to kick in. This is the first *real* objection to the relationship that actually relates to me, rather than the situation we find ourselves in. All our other problems seemed soluble, provided we could find a way to be in the same place for a while.
Now. Well, I can't be what she wants. Even if she wanted the rest of me, which is obviously unproven
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(28 April) This isn't such a bad breakup (Self-indulgent bullshit #2)
Weirdly, I feel OK. I have a feeling that could be because I'm in denial. Alternatively, I've just accepted my reality with a Zen-like calmness that would make my Buddhist teachers really happy.
But it is the most mature and well-handled breakup I've ever had. No-one's being mean, no-one's begging or crying (well, not after the first night). We can sleep in the same bed without irritating the hell out of each other, and we're treating each other with respect
It's a shame, because this feels like a good relationship now (except that she's working too much). I could handle living like this - we're not spending a hell of a lot of time together but we're both getting on with life and enjoying talking when we *do* have time together. It's frustrating, because almost all of the issues that bothered me about the relationship, and that bothered her I guess, were caused by the distance (me being an attention whore, mainly).
So I've been like the housewife, spending a lot of time studying and more time grocery shopping, doing the dishes, cooking, and cleaning the bathroom. I've also had time to do some touristy type things. This feels like a good life dammit - why can't I keep it?
I guess I've worked out how to deal with breakups, too. I'm trying to use my time to reflect, to see what I did wrong (and even right) in the relationship. To see where I fell short of my ideals and my goals for the relationship, and how I could improve next time. Foremost, I'm just trying to treat her with love and respect. I think I'm doing OK so far. I'm proud
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(25 April) Here's where I start getting self-indulgent
WARNING: most entries from now on are going to be whining and self-pitying, but I need to say them somewhere...no need to read 'em....
So, yesterday I actually started feeling bad about things being over. In-between the moments of hope/denial (amazing how we can fool ourselves...but then, how's this for denial: when I was 19, the cops came to my door to tell me my best friend had killed himself (I'd been drinking with him the night before, so they were wondering what was up)...within an hour myself and our other friend had convinced ourselves that he wasn't really dead...talk about fucking denial).
So yeah - part of my holding onto this idea that we could somehow put this on hold for however long it takes (a year? more?). Ignoring the fact that she doesn't want to move to NZ, so I'd have to find a way to move to NE USA. Not impossible, but not really what I'd planned. And ignoring the fact that the relationship was hard enough as it was, when we had regular contact. And we're now basically going to have no contact.
So realism intrudes. And realism is reminding me how much of a future we'd planned together (we had it *all* planned out). And how that future is really going to be. And how after next Friday I will probably never see her again.
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(24 April) Today, this day
Things have been pretty good since I last posted. I've been hanging around Cory's house on my own, pretty much, which was weird at first - she's been at work a lot.
But yesterday her roommate gave me a ticket to Toots and the Maytalls, so I wandered out on my own and checked out the reggae sounds Decent gig, the crowd was really into it. Toots isn't totally my heartbeat, but I dug it. Strolled home and still got back an hour before Cory got home from work. We sat up and talked for a while and that was pretty good.
It's weird (and a bit of a shame). Since we agreed to break up we've been getting on much better. How we are now is pretty much how I'd like us to be, if we were still in a relationship.
Oh well. Our time together started well, and it looks like it's going to end well. And I can't really ask for much more than that.
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(23 April) "Ave atque vale"
"I looked it up V. It means 'hail and farewell'"
That's me.
Let's just say that things didn't work out between Cory and me.
And leave it at that.
No bitterness (at least I'm trying not to be bitter, but a little is probably inevitable). We're still friends. I'm still at her house. I'll still love her, but in the end it was like this:
distance > love.
We tried our best, we failed. That's no dishonour.
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(17th April) "You look like a dorky scientist"
One of the first things an American said to me after I touched down in LA. Hell, I was just glad to be there. This was the woman at Customs, and she was pretty cool (she was telling me I looked a lot better in my passport photo and advising me to cut my hair).
One thing I like about Americans, they are (in general) more outgoing and friendly than a lot of other cultures. And the Customs and Immigration people seem to treat people pretty well. I know I've had less pleasant treatment in Wellington airport, in the town I was born, where I'm a citizen, than I have in the US.
But at the same time it's clear that anyone who infringes the rules even slightly, even if it's just a procedural issue or irregularity, could well run into trouble (my sister's dance teacher was put in jail for three days then deported, and she was just there on a short visit to learn more about dance).
So after a 24-hour trip where I got to meet the world's campest steward, lose $10 dollars in an AT&T phonecard dispenser, and make 20 phone calls trying to get through to Cory, I made it to New Mexico. On-time. And Cory was there only half an hour later, if that (impressive, as she thought she'd be working late). It was all a bit more low-key than I'd expected, she just sat down beside me (having walked up from behind me), "Hi". No running across fields into each others arms. But it will do me.
Only downside so far is that we're both really tired, she's working 12 hour days, and I'm in a different time zone. So, we get home: 1am she's desperate to get some sleep. I can't, so I go sit in the lounge and read till 4am (which is only 10pm, my time). At which point I can sort of get to sleep, so I do, and sleep through till 11am, just in time for Cory to get up and go to work. Where she will be till midnight. Thank God she gets some days off. So here I am, on her roommate's PC, waiting for her to come home <3
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(16th April) And all I've been hearing all day....
is 'not long now'.....'how long to go?'.......'what are you still doing here?'....etc - I love my workmates.
I've cleared loads of work up, I'm happy with that.
I spoke to Cory this morning - she may not be able to meet me at the airport (thanks, Cory's work). But we have to put up with these things.
I've been advised to get into the mile-high club if I can (by Cory), We shall see. I doubt it somehow.
I leave in less than three hours
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Today: coming back from New Mexico
OK, I'm not in the US anymore. I've been incredibly slack and disillusioned about posting, but I'm back into it now. Bear with me while I post updates for the last month or so.
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