"But it was worth it"
-me, 27 August 2003.

Describing the first time Cory and I were together. Sigh. Funny the things that make you recall the past. In this case it was someone who'd hit my (other) blog through a search on 'coneticut faggot' (yeah, I know the spelling's wrong there). That brought up a very old entry where I talked about my second-last trip to the States, and the night I spent at Luke and Chrissie's place, and at a party where frat boys were calling each other "faggot".

And that of course was when I met Cory, so the same entry was me recounting how good the time we spent together in New York was. And saying that there was no way we would be able to make things work, but it was worth it anyway. I guess I needed to remember that. I'm very deep in the "anger" stage of grief at the moment, I can't get past seeing the bad side of the relationship, and feeling that she mistreated me. I guess I'm heading into the "sorrow" stage, but I'm not quite there yet.

Ah well. Remember the good times. Try to put the bad in perspective. New York was very, very good, and for whatever reason New Mexico wasn't. And California was. Two weeks, that's all. It seems like such a small reward for the energy we both expended on it. But that's life.
 
| ¶ 5:16 pm

  Unhappy@Happy
That's the name of the Salford Lads Club's latest gig. Venue chosen mostly because of the name (and the fact that one of the band members knows the owner, as Adrian told me afterwards). Happy being known more for dance/reggae/dub oriented gigs.

I struggled to think of anyone who would both want to go and be able to afford it, so I went solo. Luck was with me as I ran into Stephen outside - pretty much the only time I ever see the guy is at events like these, but he's gregarious and easy to get along with so we hung out for the night. He was very drunk (or something) and bitching about Derek who had stood him up or something.

I'd swallowed a few tabs of Frenzy and was feeling alive and chatty, Stephen was in the same mood so we made friends with (or irritated the hell out of) most of the crowd at the front of the stage. I was recognised by someone who I'd known 10 or more years ago, a friend of Kylie and Mandy. Very weird.

This time the Lads had a support act, solo guitar guy with a good voice and some original tunes on top of Beatles and Radiohead covers. Wish I'd remembered to ask his name. Then the Lads did their thing, to the usual crowd ecstasy, everyone singing along and a bit of stage invading. Adrian told me afterwards he didn't think it had been a great performance, and it certainly wasn't transendent or even exceptional, but it was very good.

Shame everyone disappeared straight afterwards though. I staggered home and did my usual post-BZP stay-up-most-of-the-night-even-though-I-want-to-go-to-sleep thing. That's the only problem with that drug - it's cheap, legal and fun, with minimal comedowns, but dammit I want to get to sleep later on...just a bit too speedy.

(And I say minimal comedowns now, but I can feel one just nipping at the edges of my brain, bound to come on stronger during the week, and I've been lax about taking my prozac this week, so it could be less than pleasant. Oh well, I'm generally feeling good so I shouldn't worry too much).

And I had a great email from someone on the dating site. She was articulate, really impressed with my profile, and had a very interesting profile herself. And she gave me a recommended reading list. What more could I want? Oh. She doesn't live in Wellington. This is starting to sound familiar.

 
| ¶ 1:24 pm

  The quick rejection (and people want my ex)
So I had a blind date today. Went to Midnight Espresso for coffee. She turned up (looking nothing like her picture, I would never have recognised her). We chat for about 15 minutes and then she says "thanks" and leaves. I had no idea if I was interested in her or not, but it was a pretty quick rejection and it feels somewhat harsh. Oh well, life goes on.

Meantime one of my internet buddies has Cory on his top five list of girls he "wants hot monkey sex with". The thought of this isn't exactly pleasing (although seeing as they're in completely different parts of the country, it's not terribly likely - until the next big party). At least he had the cojones to make it public.  
| ¶ 7:16 pm

  On again, off again, but mostly off again
Well, I thought it was starting to show potential. But perhaps not. And I have a feeling one of us would have driven the other one crazy, eventually.

So I've had a nothing weekend and now I'm home sick and feeling sorry for myself. The people I most want to be with right now are all on the other side of the world, and all together - the bastards. OK, that's only temporary due to Michael and Beth, and Paul and Kim, being over in London at the same time, and in a few months Damian and James will be back here, but still - I wish I was there.

I love wireless broadband. But for some reason it doesn't play well with Soulseek. Thanks to David I've discovered the wonders of MP3 blogs, though, so I'm getting my music junkie fix that way.  
| ¶ 5:27 pm

  Passed (and Charlie Kaufman)
That was suitably mild.

Life is OK again.

Had dinner with Helen at Roti Chennai last night. Pretty good - no complaints from me, anyway. I had a stuffed parotha with chicken curry. An acquaintance of hers appeared halfway through, and in-between catching up with the gossip and so on, asked Helen if I was "the man of her dreams". Her reply, "well, he's a man". Which is fair enough. A horrible question to ask someone, at the best of times.

We followed that up by playing pool again (I won 5-3, she got upset because she thought I was patronising her when I thanked her for a good game, but not too upset). She decided to go home (it was only 8.30) - alone. Made me feel slightly paranoid, although I realised it was just because she gets up so early for work she was tired out.

I strolled over to Rialto, but couldn't find anything I wanted to see, so headed on up to Reading. I was in luck, they were showing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which I'd been wanting to see. Interesting film, possibly even weirder than Adaptation, and very enjoyable, although the ending felt a bit rushed, and wasn't totally satisfying. I feel like there's there's a place for a "writer's cut" to be released - it didn't feel like it ended properly.

Idle speculation: Charlie Kaufman is the auteur working today whose style is closest to that of Philip K. Dick's. All the way through, Spotless Mind felt like something that PKD could have produced. Even the quote that gives the film its title reminded me of Dick - Mary misattributing the Pope quote is similar to J.R. Isidore's misattributed Donne quote in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?... and the central motif of the film (character with memory erased, at the mercy of powerful and incomprehensible forces, experiencing dreams into which reality intrudes) is pure PKD. Daydream: Kaufman writing the screenplay for a Dick novel. How cool would that be? (Even cooler than Linklater directing A Scanner Darkly, I'm betting).  
| ¶ 7:32 pm

  The inevitable comedown (probably passing)
Dave suggested I should rename this "Simon's Sex Blog". Tempting as that is, I think I'll pass for now....

This week's been a bit harder, my mood's been quite down for the last few days. Possibly a comedown from Friday, and possibly the weather (it's cold and rainy and it is the middle of winter, so I'm dealing with short daylight hours. I'm finding getting out of bed a real strain. Once I force myself into the day I'm OK though. Which I guess is a success of sorts - that I'm actually able to force myself to get up - a few months ago I'd probably have just stayed in bed.

Things that cheer me up this week, having lunch with Kaaryn, hugs from Helen, my Jim White and Wilco CDs arriving, finally moving into the 21st Century and getting broadband (wireless, via Woosh - been having a few problems (it doesn't seem to play well with all the software I use, and the signal isn't the strongest here, hardly their fault seeing as I'm right up against a hill), but overall it's great. I like not having to log off the 'net in order to use the phone.

Listening to Mr J White at the moment. Interesting album - very downbeat - kinda like The Wrong Kind of Love or Book of Angels, no full-blast country stompers like God Was Drunk When He Made Me or Ten Miles To Go On A Nine Mile Road. And a bonus track! I've just realised I've been playing the album in reverse (burned it straight to iTunes, I don't even use my stereo anymore). Interesting - it seems to be getting better as I go - looks like a weak Side Two. (Side Two! I am showing my age).

Good old Jim. Some nice memories of London and Jane coming through here....hey, she did say 'think of me in your Jim White moments'....oooh....first great song on the album - Girl From Brownsville Texas - the perfect mix of religion, lost love and the dusty south.  
| ¶ 9:59 pm

  Everyone says yes
I'm finding myself in a somewhat unusual position. I actually have two women who are interested in pursuing things with me. Helen and I are giving things a try to see what happens. Meantime Sarah is deciding that she's interested as well. She wanted me to go home with her on Friday. I'm proud to say I didn't. I'd promised Helen that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else till we'd decided what was happening between us. And she'd never have known, but I didn't, anyway. Hey for integrity. [Insert bitter comment here about other people who claim to be in love but sleep with someone else anyway].

Anyway, Friday night was great. Went to 24 Hour Party People at Indigo. For a long time it looked like it was going to be a bad night - it was Monique's last night in town and we were all supposed to be going out, but we couldn't get our plans together, and we were worried that some of us couldn't pay the cover charge at Indigo. All was eventually well - we hit the bar early and avoided the cover charge (they probably made it back from us in beer, anyway). Sat around talking for a while, and eventually started dancing. Whole bunch of us there, Drake and Casey, Monique and Wai, Sarah, plus Rob (Drake's flatmate) turned up with some friends. And we made friends with an English couple who were sitting next to us. All in all, very good. Took some Frenzy (shared it with Sarah, she seemed to like it). We were talking for ages, ended up kissing a bit, went dancing as well. I talked the ear off a German guy about football, and the English girl about whatever I could think of, mainly the Birmingham music scene. Got home at about 4am after convincing Sarah that I wasn't going to take a Bill Clinton interpretation of sex (in other words, I turned down no-obligation oral sex. This may be some kind of record). Stayed up till 5 unable to sleep posting stupid things on the internet. Very entertaining.

Slept most of Saturday, went round to Helen's, watched Adaptation and Pi. She hated Pi, didn't mind Adaptation, her flatmate hated that though. Here's my problem (and this sounds horrible). I want someone who shares my tastes in art and film and music and stuff. And she doesn't (although she wants to go to the Tracey Emin exhibition, which is something - I'm quite a big fan of Emin's work). Where's Jane when I need her? Or even Cory or Sarah at least had good taste in film, if not music. Or Adele, for that matter. OK, I'm a snob. But dammit these things are important.  
| ¶ 5:38 pm