A Blog Darkly

[29 May] My mad research skillz

2005-06-01T22:33:00.000+12:00

Yeah, so you'd think that someone who's trained as an information professional, and is doing a major research project, would remember to search one of the most major, obvious databases?

Not me. Well, I remembered now. Two weeks before the project is due in. Found at least 15 articles that I have to include - more that I could choose to include.

Feel stupid.

Also have to cut 20, 000 words by mid-June.

Went to a
Bridget Riley exhibition last night. Many of the pictures in that Google Image link were in the exhibition. Full-size, they are painful to look at. It took me till this morning to realise that one of the reasons I was in such a bitchy mood was that I had a massive headache and eyestrain, from staring at them. Not helped by the avant-garde music playing as accompaniment. Though the mixing of 'Nothing compares to you' over live percussion and what sounded like whales fighting on tape was pretty cool.

OK, must do work and stop distracting myself.

Bridget Riley's art:

Saturday night: All about the FA Cup

2005-05-24T22:32:00.000+12:00

Very strange night last night. Had planned to meet up with the lads for a few beers and a chat, but Micheal (recovering from hospitalisation) and James (hungover) pulled out. Damian ended up taking me to a party with people he knows through Peace Action Wellington and the Palestinian Group. Not bad, some interesting people who I wouldn't normally get to hang out with - and very friendly and generous when I turned up without beer (only because the stores had closed).

We staggered out of there around 1am to go watch the FA Cup final. Damian got a text from his ex-girlfriend in London and I spent about 10 minutes demanding that he give me the phone so I could "sort his life out for him". He refused because he didn't know whether I was going to declare his undying love for her, or tell her to piss off. I didn't know myself. I'm sure it would have come to me. He's tossing up whether to agree that she come over here for a few months and see how things work out. Problem for them is the long term - he doesn't want to live outside NZ for a long time, and he doesn't think she'd want to live away from England for a long time. (Which is really the hardest thing about the long-distance relationship - it's not physically being together, it's finding somewhere that you both WANT to be).

So we hit the pub and it's full of drunk Brits in their football shirts. Lot of banter and chanting going on, and I'm just drunk enough to join in. Get my ear talked off by a crazy Welsh bastard (he looked and acted like Begbie from Trainspotting) who was going on about how great the Liverpool hooligans were, and boasting about Heysel (when 39 Italian fans died in a fight/riot after the Liverpool fans pushed a wall over onto them). Luckily he left me alone after a while, and his seat was taken by an older guy who was less of a cunt.

United played brilliantly (apart from some of the finishing) and I can't believe they lost. On another night the finishing would have been slightly sharper, and we'd have won 2 or 3 nil. Credit to Lehman though, he had a great game, and the Arsenal defenders did manage to cover back and make the tackles or blocks that they needed to. A bitter result, but at least we looked like a decent football team. Here's hoping next season is better...

Home at 5am and stayed in bed till around 1pm. Should really try to do some schoolwork...

20th May 2005: "marijuana is rarely injected"

2005-05-24T22:31:00.001+12:00

I have to stop my research project soon - it is making me stupider. (Is 'stupider' even a word? You see what I mean?).

Today's readings: a DARE workbook. It contains such lines as 'marijuana is rarely injected'.

It invents a whole new class of drugs - 'polypills'. This is basically a catch-all term for every drug that isn't alcohol, tobacco, cannabis or solvents. (Yeah, you and I know that most of those drugs don't come in pill form....DARE, however....)

Polypill users, apparently, are "a very distinctive breed. They tend to identify with groups such as cults, or they are isolated beings ("loners"). They usually have many more [than what?] emotional, behavioural, and psychological problems". "They risk accidental death, because the drugs they use can be addictive". [right...addictive drugs make it easier to OD - like tobacco...]

Signs that your child might be a polypill user include "magical interest or belief".

Oh yes indeed.

Off on the town in about 45 minutes when I finish typing this junk up. Going to grab a few quiet beers with Michael and Damian, maybe Paul, and then hopefully noisy things up a bit. It's FA Cup final night, and I have to admit I'm not sure I'm looking forward to this one - everything has been going wrong for us this year and I think Arsenal will have the edge. Plus Mike now supports Arsenal because his girlfriend lived near their ground for a while....

On top of the Hurricanes losing 47-7 last night, I think this is going to be a bad weekend for sport.

18 May 2005: Wellington is number one

2005-05-24T22:31:00.000+12:00

And number two....

Fat Freddy's Drop, debut album into the charts at number one...in the same week, Shihad go in at number two. And the Phoenix Foundation have their second album out this week.

All this, and a Toy Love retrospective too . Life is good.

Spent today at an IT conference, sweet as I didn't have to do any work or any thinking and got to eat loads (the best thing about conferences is the food, for sure).

Took Rhonda to dinner (Planet Spice, Indian) last night. Twas good, we both ate far too much and drank Kingfishers and generally had a good time (and my credit card didn't get declined this time).

Song of the minute: Nick Cave 'Breathless'.

[15 May 2005] Visiting Dave

2005-05-15T19:41:00.000+12:00

Finally left the house today, went to visit old workmate Dave, who now lives just down the road from me. Lots of coffee (he's l33t enough to grind his own beans - delicous) and a little weed (which is more than enough for me) and a chat about old/new work times, German techno-dub, and the music he's been making (heavily influenced by German techno-dub).

Then I staggered down to the store to buy a replacement light bulb. Ended up buying loads of snack food, and the wrong lightbulb. So as I'm typing this the only light in my room is coming from my screen.

Forgot to mention I saw Nick Cave on Thursday. The latest in a whole string of decent bands who've played here recently. Life is good. Nick himself didn't play the best gig I've ever seen, though there was nothing wrong with it and I enjoyed it overall. It seemed like he was getting a bit old, and some of the power was going from his voice. Also the crowd seemed a little flat - but I was tired as fuck so maybe it was just me. Not saying it was a bad gig, by any means, just not earth-moving.

Went with Rhonda and James and some of Rhonda's friends.

[12 May 2005] Pay rises!

2005-05-15T19:40:00.000+12:00

Hmmm....could have been better. $2500, which equates to 5 1/2%.

Nothing to complain about really, but when I took the job they strongly hinted that I was looking at $2-5K. So this is at the bottom end of the range. Oh well.

I got a decent night's sleep last night! On my list of things to do, this was beating sex, food and hanging out with my friends by serious margins. (I was so tired at work that my boss told me to leave a meeting and drink some coffee ). Now I just need to spend all weekend writing this fucking thesis.

[8 May 2005] So, Goodbye

2005-05-15T19:39:00.000+12:00

Just got back from the Salford Lads Club farewell tribute night thing. I am feeling nicely wasted after taking 4 Frenzy (Frenzies?) and a few beers. No chance of sleep for the next few hours, so I hope some people are online.

The gig was good as always, Adrian managed to forget the words a few times and got some heckling from some idiot English guy as a result, but other than that things were sound. They played for over two hours, which was almost too much Smiths, even for me, but all good.

Very loved up from the pills and thinking and reflecting about life. All good....found out today that my ex-girlfriend's father is one of the top advisors on drug policy in this country (I knew he was a drug/alcohol counsellor, but not that he was this high up)...funny thing is that she's quite a druggie herself (one of my abiding memories is doing ketamine on a boat in India to celebrate her birthday - she wasn't actually doing the K herself, but still....).

And another ex-girlfriend gave birth yesterday...after a 29 hour labour, with no drugs. Girl called Kathleen apparently....

Back to the gig...there was a very messed up woman dancing near me for a while - I got all chivalrous and resolved that I'd probably have to put her in a taxi to make sure she got home (she couldn't dance straight, she kept falling into me)...but she disappeared so I assume she had some friends with her, or something....

My kitten is going hyperactive and trying to eat my hand, the cord of my alarm clock, anything really...

[1 May 2005] We should all live so long

2005-05-15T19:38:00.000+12:00

I've spent most of this weekend in Christchurch at my grandmother's 90th birthday celebrations. Was a pretty good time, even though it was being organised by the male members of my family (which means it wasn't really being organised, they were just randomly doing stuff and hoping things worked out). That's a little bit unfair, but not completely.

Anyway, I'd seen her about three months ago, so I know how she's doing and stuff, and she's still fairly sprightly - she's quite deaf but sharp mentally, she knows what's going on and her memory is great. She's getting a bit frail though and tends to need help walking.

Spent time with relatives I haven't seen in a long time - some of them not since my grandfather's funeral, probably - and that was in the mid 1980s. Surprised to find out that I actually enjoyed interacting with some of them.

So the trip was bit chaotic, but everything worked out pretty much OK. The major sour note for me was my uncle deciding to involve us in the church service without bothering to really mention it to us, or ask if we wanted to be involved. So now I'm not going to disrespect the occasion by acting up in church, but I felt it was a bit out of order. He wanted us to read out some prayers. And both my brother and sister and myself are completely atheistic and have no interest in such things. So I'd rather not have been involved in all that, but it wasn't toooo painful so no big deal.

[1 May 2005] Life in One Chord

2005-05-15T19:37:00.000+12:00

Fuck.

I saw the Straightjacket Fits on Friday.

And they were fucking great.

A voice from the past that I'd given up all hope of seeing again, come back and playing the music again.

The venue was packed, enough to bring my social anxiety into play but I drank a few beers and stood at the back and dealt with it that way. They started with APS and there aren't many songs I'd choose ahead of that to hear first up. 100% predictably, someone then called out for Down in Splendour. Shane just told him 'look mate, asking 'where's Andrew?' was old last week', and after that no-one hassled him. It's a shame, it would have been magnificent to have Andrew back in the band, but that just isn't going to happen. So no Down in Splendour. No Sparkle That Shines, no Roller Ride. Shame, but I can cope.

Shane had a refreshing attitude to the gig "we're going to play this song, because we like it - even though everyone else hates it. We're just going to play what we like" - which got a fairly good round of applause. I guess it's better to watch a band doing what they want than a band playing the same greatest hits set at every gig, whether they like the songs or not.

Funnily enough for me, some of the songs I don't particularly like on record were the highlights of the gig. Mainly the stuff off of Blow. Hearing it now, in context, it's a clear link between the earlier Fits stuff, and Shane's later work with Dimmer. It makes sense.

The real highlights were Bad Note for a Heart, a maginficent version of She Speeds (I think the first time I've heard them play it), and Dialling a Prayer (maybe the first time they played that). 12 or so songs and then off, but a pretty damn good night.

[30 April 2005] Morissey, Morissey, Morissey!

2005-05-15T19:36:00.000+12:00

I'm unable to fill the request for a photo of my smashed CD. I have such a photo, but my PC refuses to recognise that my camera is plugged in, so I can't upload the photo.

Yesterday was a good day. A very limited amount of work, good coffee at morning tea and then good wine and snacks from 4pm. All work days should be like that.

Just before heading home I got a call from my brother inviting me to a Salford Lads Club gig. The Lads are probably the world's finest Smiths tribute band, and they have a loyal following in Wellington from those of us who never got to see the real thing.

A few vodkas and some BZP at Drake's place and a bunch of us head down. Was in a good mood but Drake and Casey fighting over money was a bit of a buzzkill (this happens so often). Rhonda and I ended up buying them drinks and things were OK I guess.

The gig was pretty much non-stop dancing and singing along, then staggering home and trying to sleep. I managed OK but apparently I was tossing around in my sleep and kept Rhonda awake. Not so lucky for her...

Today, as a consequence, was shit. I'm too old to mix three kinds of alcohol and not drink water and expect to get away with it.....

[26 April 2005] My computer just destroyed a CD

2005-05-15T19:35:00.000+12:00

I mean completely destroyed. I was burning it to my hard-drive, and all of a sudden it started spinning real fast and banging away. I couldn't work out how to stop it so I did a manual reset, which worked.

For a while I couldn't open the CD-drive. When I did, there were nothing but shards of the disk left. And I mean shards. The biggest is like 2x1 inches. Most of it is still stuck inside the case.

Never seen anything like that before. Kinda scary. And I lost a decent CD.

[16 April 2005] Hell of a week

2005-05-15T19:32:00.000+12:00

I don't have net access at home, I can't get on at work (other than for work); and I can't get on at university until today because they charge us for usage (other than their own library databases and my student workspace/Blackboard). Finally coughed up some cash and made it back online.

Been a true week from hell. We had our busiest week of the year - my brain hurts. But we got through it.

My weeknights are spent studying except for Wednesday (spent helping my friend Vanita set up her weblog on the Wellington reggae scene). Went to a party at her place on Friday, got all paranoid (probably not helped by the pills I'd had) and came home early - which at least meant I got to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and get up and study today. Woo Hoo. I have such an exciting life.

Ooooh, but my performance review is due next week and that is bound to mean more dollars - more dollars for me!

[2 April 2005] Fucking big birds

2005-05-15T19:31:00.001+12:00

Went down the Taeiri Peninsular to visit the Royal Albatross colony. Pretty fucking cool, it's the only giant albatross mainland nesting ground in the entire world (the others are all on deserted islands that humans can barely reach). Those birds are big (3m wingspan) and majestic. Until you've seen them you wouldn't really understand. Got to see three fledglings nesting as well as a few older ones flying (the nesting birds don't really do anything except lie there though - maybe tired out from having Prince Charles visit them a few weeks ago).

Also saw seals and sealions up close. Seals absolutely stink but swim beautifully. And the weather was the best it had been all trip.

Just chilled out the other two days and back home now. A very pleasant trip, and my mother and step-father got on well with Rhonda, which is always good.

[30 March 2005] The one that got away always looks better than the one you have

2005-05-15T19:31:00.000+12:00

Always.

Rhonda and I are in Dunedin visiting my mother and step-father. It's been a good trip so far, we've been doing nothing but laze around reading and chatting, and done the odd bit of strolling along the beach when the weather's OK - it's as cold down here as I remembered.

So yesterday we're walking through the student quarter and someone calls my name. It takes me a second before I recognise her because the hair's a completely different style and colour. She's a fomer workmate of mine who I had a long-standing crush on, years ago. I never did anything about it because she was about to leave the country (not wanting to start a relationship with someone who was about to be on the other side of the world, and who I wouldn't see for many months - those of you who know what happened about six months after this may see it as slightly ironic).

So, of course, we hooked up at her farewell party. I think she might have been interested in me as well, but not done anything because she was leaving. So she took 16 months coming back, and when she did she came back to Dunedin, not Wellington, and I only ran into her a couple of times by chance. So nothing happened between us.

And still, I've got a thing for her. Ridiculous, because (a) she's a long way away; (b) I haven't seen her in months; (c) I have a girlfriend. And yet, I can't help wondering what might have been, hoping that I'll see her again (I'm in a cybercafe next to the cafe where I saw her yesterday).

The reasons are pretty obvious: it's much easier to idealise someone who isn't there than to deal with the flaws of the person who is with you, to have to negotiate what you're doing tonight, whose friends you'll spend time with, everything. Better the one that you hardly ever see.

Ah, we all make fools of ourselves, don't we? Go watch 'Closer' (the film or the play) and see how people ruin perfectly good things all for desire of what they don't have.

When you're old and lonely you will wish you'd married me

2005-05-15T19:27:00.001+12:00

- The Magnetic Fields.

Big weekend. Good times. Friday went out with Matt, Damian, James, Paul and Kim to (continue) our celebration of Matt being back. Started at his aunt's ad agency where we drank their alcohol for 3 hours or so, then headed out to Vespa. Very cool, stylish evening, made less stylish by us drunkenly ranting and swallowing party pills. Lots of broken glasses. Matt and Damian desperately trying to score. Me chilling and chewing my cheeks half off.

Saturday was Pauline and Dave's wedding. Very, very weird - he's the last of my schoolmates whose wedding I thought I'd be invited to. Good times, very relaxed (they played the Pixies as the bridal march). We got very drunk and proclaimed it the librarian social event of the year, thanks to the presence of Pauline, a couple of the young and cool lecturers from the university, various other National Librarians and Parliamentary librarians, and of course the random elements like me. Much bad dancing to well dodgy 80s music with the occasional bhangra hit mixed in. Downed some more party pills (Kandi) which didn't have the best effect, I was nearly sick at the party (then started feeling great) and Rhonda ended up throwing up the next morning (which spoilt any chance of a romantic post-wedding moment, but never mind).

Drunken ranting of the best kind included a gay librarian discoursing on his lust for schoolboys and on the clothing faux pas of straight men, and Pauline hugging me and trying to predict that Rhonda and I would get married next. Um. OK. Let's keep that one on hold for a little while, anyway, shall we?

I have way too much study to do.

[8 March 2005] Embarrassment is...

2005-05-15T19:27:00.000+12:00

Taking your girlfriend to dinner for her birthday, and then having to get her to pay when the machine declines your EFTPOS card and it turns out the restaurant doesn't take credit cards, so both of yours are useless.

Heh.

Having one of those weeks where I make the most obvious basic mistakes. And do difficult stuff easily.

Still, ran 6km today and barely felt it. Fitter than I have been in a long long time.

[6 March 2005] Babylon's burning

2005-05-15T19:25:00.000+12:00

I'm sitting in a cybercafe in-between sets at the Lambchop gig. I thought I'd arrive while the support band was playing, instead I got there before the first support band. It's going to be a late night. And I've got work tomorrow. I'm too old for this nonsense

The night's been made more interesting by a major fire on Vivian St...right on the corner by Cuba. This is the heart of the red light district - the fire is across the road from a strip club and next door to a punk bar, which is itself next to the all-night bar that all the sex industry workers drink in. Huge crowd s standing round watching, though unfortunately no naked hookers or johns running from their rooms in fear. Looks like no-one in danger, either.

Last night was Rhonda's birthday barbecue. Paul and Kim and James came along and we got very drunk (well, I did, the others didn't now I think about it) and continued to develop our plans of buying a farm together - latest thinking is either buy heaps of wild pigs and just let them look after themselves (I"m not sure how we make money off that) or else force Paul to live on the farm and telecommute to work. It beats our original plan (taking turns to drive out there each night) anyway. A good night, all said and done. Drunkenness and my friends and the Ramones on the stereo, and lots of food

Spent this morning visiting Michael in the hospital - it's not looking so good. He's lost 20kg and is on a drip-feed, poor bastard. He was bearing up OK for a while while I was there, but after about half an hour he just had to tell me to leave because he was in too much pain. Poor kid. [Luckily he has totally recovered now].

[2 March 2005] the gym, more cricket

2005-05-15T19:24:00.000+12:00

The highlight of my day was the gym. I've been building up my time on the treadmill from 15 minutes to 30, and my speed's gone up from 10kph to 11.5. Which means I'm running close on 6km. And without too much effort. I'm pleased with myself, naturally. After a good few months when I didn't exercise properly and put on a lot of weight, I'm winning again. I'm down 3kg since I started this job (about 4 months ago) - slow progress, but real.

And I'm noticing the changes. After the gym I walked home up Bolton St, which is an insanely steep hill. I didn't even notice till I'd finished climbing it that I wasn't out of breath at all. And Rhonda tells me I'm looking slimmer Good results, then.

The newspaper coverage of the match yesterday was scathing. Fleming complained that petty people were making unhelpful comments. OK. Simple. Here's something constructive.

There's no point in picking Hamilton, though he bowled wicket to wicket with a fair bit of heart. He's 31 years old. We're building towards the World Cup in two years, why not pick someone who might still be around then, and give them some experience?

Paul Wiseman. He's taking wickets and bowling well. Vettori's our best bowler at the moment, so why not play two spinners? The medium pacers are just cannon fodder for the Aussie big hitters.

Hitting the ball along the ground is a good way to avoid being caught out.

Bowling line and length makes it harder for the batsmen to hit the ball. At the least, bowling one side of the wicket means it's easier to set a field.

Not running when you've hit the ball directly to a fielder, or when your partner has fallen over, is a good way of avoiding being run out.

[1 March 2005] 2nd in the world, you're having a laugh

2005-05-15T19:22:00.000+12:00

Spent today at the most picturesque cricket ground in the world watching New Zealand get absolutely hammered by Australia. It's beyond depressing, to the point where the home crowd was just enjoying watching the Aussies bat, and not caring much about the result. They are in a different league to us, and it's painful. Sure, if only we didn't have Oram, Vettori, Bond, Butler, Tuffey and Styris out injured, our bowlers would have a chance. But we don't get to play 'if only'.

And I got sunburnt once again even though the sky was overcast all day. I just love the hole in the ozone layer.

Quiet week

2005-03-14T20:51:00.000+13:00

Quiet week. My elite research skills won me kudos at work, which made me feel better after the major stuff ups last week.

Friday my friend Matt was back in town from London, where he's been since 2002, so we had a big night that ended with us playing the Lord of the Rings pinball really badly, and then him being refused entry to a bar for being too drunk (actually it was drugs more than alcohol, but we didn't press the point); and included seemingly endless streams of Irish tourists telling us how 'we didn't want to come overseas and just meet Irish people' (leading us to wonder what they were doing drinking in an Irish bar), and attempts to chat up the barmaid ("you're from Galway? That's such a beautiful town"). Which failed.

Saturday I played hacky with Matt and Damian and after starting off playing like a drunken baby giraffe I improved. Then off to a barbecue with some of Rhonda's friends, also back from overseas, where the cocktails were well-made and the conversation interesting. Which was enough for me. And now I'm sitting inside on a bright sunny day, allegedly studying but really internetting.

Burn like fire in Cairo

2005-03-06T21:58:00.000+13:00

I'm sitting in a cybercafe in-between sets at the Lambchop gig. I thought I'd arrive while the support band was playing, instead I got there before the first support band. It's going to be a late night. And I've got work tomorrow. I'm too old for this nonsense ;)

The night's been made more interesting by a major fire on Vivian St...right on the corner by Cuba. This is the heart of the red light district - the fire is across the road from a strip club and next door to a punk bar, which is itself next to the all-night bar that all the sex industry workers drink in. Huge crowd s standing round watching, though unfortunately no naked hookers or johns running from their rooms in fear. Looks like no-one in danger, either.

Last night was Rhonda's birthday barbecue. Paul and Kim and James came along and we got very drunk (well, I did, the others didn't now I think about it) and continued to develop our plans of buying a farm together - latest thinking is either buy heaps of wild pigs and just let them look after themselves (I"m not sure how we make money off that) or else force Paul to live on the farm and telecommute to work. It beats our original plan (taking turns to drive out there each night) anyway. A good night, all said and done. Drunkenness and my friends and the Ramones on the stereo, and lots of food ;)

Spent this morning visiting Michael in the hospital - it's not looking so good. He's lost 20kg and is on a drip-feed, poor bastard. He was bearing up OK for a while while I was there, but after about half an hour he just had to tell me to leave because he was in too much pain. Poor kid :(

I can't think of a title, so there isn't one here.

2005-03-02T20:13:00.000+13:00

More gigs, only a little rain

2005-03-01T18:45:00.000+13:00

It's been a busy week. Since the Shins I've been:

-dragged along to a comedy night at Orientation. (Probably shouldn't have bothered: Michelle A'Court and Radar were OK but nothing special, and I just really don't get Ben Hurley, or how he managed to win the Billy T award).

-strode of my own free will to Orientation for the third time, to see Dimmer and Tha Feelstyle. Both good acts, but they suffered from a lacklustre crowd (the hall was maybe a third full). Dimmer's sound possibly works better on album, it was all a bit one-paced, and while they made a pleasant noise, I never really got that excited by it. I was pretty tired, so maybe that was the reason, as much as them. Carter doesn't really have much stage presence either - he's too grumpy whenever the audience acts like a rock audience.

-wandered around the Cuba St Carnival on my own and in the company of other consenting adults. I saw Phoenix Foundation play one of their quiet sets (they're just getting better - '40 Years' or whatever it is called is great); SJD for a few songs, went home with Rhonda for a while, watched some cricket then back for the parade with the usual suspects as well as some of Rhonda's friends; and some dancing to Tu Faan Express. The boys looked happy to be up there playing, and the crowd certainly dug it. The parade was good, but standard complaints about not being able to see most of it and fearing being crushed to death apply.

Also ran into Adrienne and Kelvin which was a neat coincidence. Good to see them both out and about after his accident.

More money, less rain

2005-02-24T20:24:00.000+13:00

I've been seriously out of commission due to a lack of internet access. For some reason, my new employer seems to think we should only use our internet connections for good, not evil - or at least for work, not personal use. And due to moving into the wild heart of Wellington (aka Aro Valley) my wireless account (via good old Woosh.com) is no longer working. Actually, scratch "good old Woosh" until I know if they're going to let me off the rest of my 12 month subscription.

So. Life is good, and busy. The new flat is pretty sweet, considering I'm paying a penny-saving $100 per week. And the room is about the same size as my previous one. On top of that I get to walk to work through the Botanic Gardens, which is starting to have a noticeable effect on my weight already (though regular gym going is probably helping me out there).

I'm six months into my relationship with Rhonda, which means its a longer relationship than any I've had since Adele (!) which ended in what, 1996 or something? (I'm discounting Cory seeing as internet relationships really shouldn't count, no matter how much you might feel in love with the other person). I'm still getting over that one, though. I'm just barely at the point where I can go on Bluelight and see her name and avatar and not react - much. But I haven't seen any of her new posts yet. Not sure I'm ready to be reading about a new boyfriend.

But all that is unfair on Rhonda, who is sweet and funny and sane and good company and probably just what I need right now.

And work is kicking ass, I feel like I'm accomplishing things, and to a high standard as well. All very good balm for the soul.

Oh, went to see the Shins on Monday at Orientation (I'm still a student ;-) ). They kicked ass and will definitely be big, sooner rather than later. (And I want 'Saint Simon' played at my funeral).

Too much rain, too little money

2005-01-06T21:56:00.000+13:00

So I sit inside for another day. I do attempt to do a little study, so I guess I can feel virtuous about that. Got a meeting with my thesis supervisor tomorrow which should be interesting. It's our first meeting, even though the first part of the thesis is due in 10 days. That's more my fault than anyone else's, I didn't make contact with her till just before Christmas.

The thesis should be interesting though...I'm doing a bibliography of government and media documents relating to methamphetamine (P), ecstasy and herbal/legal highs in New Zealand. Which is (let's say) a topic reasonably close to my own heart ;)

Seriously though, if this weather doesn't improve I'm leaving town. I love this city but this will be three bad summers out of four since I've been back. I'm sick of it.

Sunburnt on a cloudy day, and Wellington scrape home

2005-01-04T23:22:00.000+13:00

Yesterday was my second-to-last chance to see live cricket this summer. It was also my second chance to see live etc, due to some strange scheduling of State Shield matches (dear NZ Cricket - many of us have jobs where we work on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, so maybe scheduling the games for the weekend might be an idea) and the understandable cancellation of the Sri Lankan tour.

So I head down to the Basin to watch Wellington play Auckland, and I'm lucky enough that James, Damian and Anthony join me. I'm sometimes a little wary of putting Damian and Ants together, but they always seem to get on OK, so perhaps I'm over-reacting. A good time was had, anyway, and Rhonda turned up right at the end so we could go drink with Drake and Casey. Which was a fun night, mainly because my pool skills were out of this world. I've always been a pretty random pool player, capable of missing easy shots and then effortlessly nailing a ball from an odd angle at the other end of the table. This night, though, everything went my way. Everything I tried for came off, I had luck coming out my eyeballs as well. It was beautiful. It also greatly upset Rob (Drake's friend) who had been telling us what a great player he was. On a normal day, he'd have beaten me, but tonight he didn't come close.

Oh, the match?

Wellington won, but made hard work of it. The pitch was terribly slow, no-one really looked comfortable on it, and it was a day for dogged knocks rather than graceful ones. Rob Nicol got 50 out of Auckland's 183, and Wellington looked to be doing it easily when Fleming and Nevin scored 51 for the first wicket in ten overs. Fleming was fooled by Mills' slower ball and caught and bowled, and Wellington collapsed. The game slowed down to a crawl as Wellington struggled against Canning's medium pacers. Luckily for both Wellington and my credibility Pasapati scored a late 38 with some big hits off Walker and Adams, and we won in the last over.

It isn't going to be a good season though: Wellington have lost too many good players (Jones and Hitchcock to Auckland, Donaldson retired and Walker quit after falling out with the coach) and have too many journeymen or sub-par players. Jesse Ryder will hopefully fulfil some of his promise, but he won't be enough to hold up a top order that looks very weak (he made 15 today and looked good, but it wasn't a pitch for stroke-makers). Bell can't seem to buy a run, the Parlane brothers are only average, Fleming will be with the national team most of the season. Franklin is never going to be a number 6 (why he's batting above Woodcock, who's played two decent holding innings in succession, I can't see - especially as Woodcock isn't bowling). The bowling is weak apart from Franklin, though Patel tries hard and seems hard to score from. Sigh. At least Wellington has a rugby team.

2005

2005-01-04T22:56:00.000+13:00

2004 ended for me on a reasonably up note. Mainly because I got to spend it with a whole bunch of friends who hadn't been in the country at the start of the year. It's amazing how the landscape of this town has changed for me in the last 6 months now James, Kim and Paul, Vana and Anthony, and Damian have turned up here again. Not to say that I didn't have friends here before, but there's a big difference between people who you've just met, and people who you've known for 15 years or more.

Notwithstanding, I didn't much feel like doing anything on NYE, but I dragged myself out. Rhonda and I had different plans for the evening - she had friends back in town from overseas, so she obviously had to be with them - I didn't want to be at a big party with only a few people I knew, so I went my way and spent time with my friends. That's probably a good sign that our relationship is healthy and can tolerate difference. Or something.

Anyway, I managed an evening of silliness at Anthony's house, started off with a few hours on the beach (I got lost and only got there towards the end, but never mind) and James and Paul wrestling. The party itself was good, not heaps of people but good people - a core crowd plus some friends of Miranda's and some more of Laurie's. We managed conversation spanning the serious (why the US economy is fucked; has democracy peaked as a political ideaology) to the less so (taking the piss out of James for his attempts to involve us all in a wine-making scheme on a grand scale, and out of Paul because it's easy to....). Made easier by my consumption of a couple of caps of Frenzy.

Only shame was Damian's absence, no doubt because he didn't want to be around Vana and Anthony together. Which is sad, but there comes a point in life where you have to get over your past relationships.

Later on I was driven over to Rhonda's party, spent about an hour there, basically just showing my face but I'm glad I went. (Also a chance to properly meet some of her friends who I'd only met in passing at the Chills show, when I wasn't really in a good state to meet anybody).

Then home (to R's) and two hours spent reading Cosmo on her couch in my underwear because I couldn't sleep (note to self: take drugs early in the evening if you don't want to be going to bed at 6am).

" 'twas Christmas Eve, babe...."

2004-12-27T22:04:00.000+13:00

I turn around for five minutes and all of a sudden it's been a week since I updated. Oops.

So OK, last week basically revolved around eating. Some drinking, but mainly eating. We had two busy days at work, with some last minute changes needing a lot of work before the year ended. That over, we had really nothing to do, and not much energy or motivation to start something new....so we ended up having either Christmas or farewell functions Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. On top of that I had lunch with Kaaryn at the Backbencher on Thursday, and drinks at Bodega that evening. That night marked the first time we'd caught up with Damian since he got back in the country. Good to see the boy, and interesting to see how dynamics have changed - or not. Not everyone was ecstatic with the presence of some others there, but I won't go into that.

It's just amazing how many people have come back to Wellington in the last few months. All of a sudden, life has changed.

Christmas Day was the usual trip to my aunt and uncle's place, though a lot more pleasant than usual. Even if the topic of conversation tended to veer a little close to politics, a few too many times.

And Boxing Day was pretty good. It was James's birthday, so we went round to his new flat for a barbecue. The weather nearly ruined it (it was blowing a gale all day and quite miserable) but we managed. And as the day wore on and the alcohol took hold it turned into a good day, with drunken communal singing of Pogues songs, James and his flatmate Irish dancing, and James singing us an Irish folk song (I never thought I'd see him either dance or sing....). But any evening that involves loud singing and taking the piss out of Damian has to be good as far as I'm concerned.

Today Damian and I strolled down to the Basin for the Wellington-Northern cricket match. Complete contrast to yesterday, it was hot and still, almost too hot to stay in the sun for long. So we lay around and watched Wellington throw the game away, but it didn't matter too much.

Approaching year end

2004-12-20T22:05:00.000+13:00

And I'm actually feeling OK this week. All right, I have to temper that by saying I took a day off last week for mainly mental health reasons - but I was also semi-sick, and I've been fighting off a cold ever since. So who knows - maybe it was an act of sublime altruism not to go in - and if I had I'd be stuck home in bed for the rest of the week.

The weekend was quiet, went to the girlfriend's work Christmas party on Friday and (of course) met a couple of people I know (she meets acquaintances at my parties, I do the same at hers). Was perfectly pleasant, but a few hours was enough for me.

She made the mistake of accompanying me Christmas shopping on Saturday. It was freezing cold and raining (snow on the Tararuas, in mid-December!). Of course, town was packed out with the other last minute shoppers - the sort of scenario where no-one is in a good mood, especially not someone like me who hates crowds at the best of times). But we survived somehow.

Sunday I met Paul and Kim for lunch at a New Zealand-themed cafe, Kai in the Bay. Quite interesting - half the menu was in Maori and they used Maori ingredients. It was a bizarre experience to be unable to understand a lot of the words on the menu. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, really - I would probably understand an Italian or Indian menu better - and which language is a national language of my country? Something to think about next year.

That afternoon we caught Team America. I wouldn't have bothered, but Rhonda wanted to. Not great but not bad and had enough laugh out-loud moments to justify the admission price. I like the fact that Parker and Stone seem to hate (or at least poke fun at) pretty much everyone equally. And "America! Fuck yeah!" is going to be sung repeatedly over the next few months, I think....

Drake and Dad and I had a dinner at Cafe Rasa - I enjoyed it a little more than the reviewers on that page, the chicken murtabak was tasty and filling, though desert was only so-so.

OK. Four more days of work to get through. And then rest, glorious rest.

Oh, and I've finally started losing weight from that gym-going. 88kg and falling.

2004-12-16T10:35:00.000+13:00

Cards in Kawhia

2004-12-16T10:27:00.000+13:00

Kawhia at sunset (the view from my mother's house)

Raining again

2004-12-16T09:29:00.000+13:00

I take the opportunity to take the day off work. I didn't really need to, but I was feeling tired and edgy enough (and almost sick, one of those half-colds that you can fight your way through - or not).

The old depression/lack of motivation c/w occasional anxiety thing is still in full effect, it seems. Hopefully a temporary squall - but I find it so hard sometimes just to do things - even the very simple things (like in this case go to the bookshop to pick up a book we'd ordered. Like there was something holding me back).

I also skipped out on the NZD end-of-year post pub-quiz drinking session, but I was genuinely not feeling so well last night. That's my excuse, anyway.

I did have a bigger night this week, we had our end of year departmental party, which was held at a most salubrious location (and I'm not going to name it because I'm not naming my workplace here). Was a generally good time, chatted to some known and some unknown, and my girlfriend turned out to know a couple of my colleagues, or their partners, so she wasn't left isolated. Following that we went down to her librarian and information workers pub quiz night, at which we once again finished a narrow second (one of those frustrating times where one of you gets an answer, but someone else overrules them). Still, there were cheap beers and food and the company was good. I'll take that.

Trying to organise a picnic/barbecue for the weekend, here. I think we'll cancel if the weather is like this.

Working for the man

2004-12-12T01:01:00.000+13:00

It isn't all bad though. Work is going well. They're pleased with what I'm doing, and they're a good bunch of people to work with. It's a very, very different environment to where I was previously - the whole culture is different. A lot more professional, I think. Not that the old place wasn't - just in a different way. And much more individualistic, based around whatever ideas people had, rather than around process and peer-review. Or so it seemed.

Anyway, it's nice for me to have people actually paying attention to what I do, and liking it (as opposed to people having no idea what I was doing, but thinking that they liked it). Again, though, I can't quite shake off a sense that I'm really doing something wrong, deep down, and that sooner or later I'll be found out.

Oh well. I'm sure this will pass somehow.

It's Friday - let's get depressed

2004-12-11T23:52:00.000+13:00

So for the last three weeks my Friday night has gone identically.

Go out, meet up with some friends. Have a few drinks, everything's good, I'm enjoying their company and in some cases seeing people I haven't seen for a while - in one case, for about three years.

Then around 10pm, all of a sudden everything flips and I'm in the lowest of the lows. I have to leave, to get out of there, straight away. I walk home with Rhonda, but I won't talk to her or anything, and all the while I'm thinking incredibly negative thoughts about me, my life, my friends, her - everything. Each time, she's brilliant, we go home and I lie in bed till noon, barely talking. Then she goes home (or I do, if I'm at hers). I spend the rest of the day lying around feeling low. Gradually, by Sunday, I'm alright.

Every week for the last three.

This is starting to annoy me. But I don't know what to do about it, short of going straight back onto medication again.

Automatic censorship: not so good in practice

2004-12-03T18:11:00.000+13:00

A rather nifty post on BoingBoing about Xeni Jardin's experimentation with the automatic filter on Microsoft's blogging tool. While seemingly innocuous titles like 'pornography and the law' were banned, other, far more scatological ones made it through.

This is the reason I oppose automatic filters - they make too many mistakes, denying access to legitimate content, and failing to block some objectionable content.

The original contains some words that may be offensive. It's here.

Psst....someone tell 'em it was a joke

2004-11-25T19:42:00.000+13:00

Tangata whenua not impressed with pre-battle Maori porn, thunders the Taranaki Daily Times, failing to mention that this film was originally promoted on Eating Media Lunch, a satirical, humourous, and above-all fictional TV programme....

Just miscellaneous

2004-11-08T21:39:00.000+13:00

Random things:

* I got a D for my last assignment for Cataloguing. OK, it wasn't a great essay, but no way was it a D. Put in context, the only two grades I've got from this marker are a C and a D. My grades from other markers in those two courses are A+, A, and A-. Something smells funny.

* It's probably the asparagus I ate.

* I've finished school apart from my research project. Which was going to be a survey of service quality in a corporate library. Till I left my job, so I now no longer work in a corporate library. Instead, I'm doing a review of the scientific literature (published in NZ) around party drugs, vs the press coverage they receive. (Party drugs being my not totally convincing categorisation of ecstasy, P, and "herbal highs"). At least I'm going to enjoy it. I think.

* I turned 32. I had birthday drinks that went pretty damn well. A decent load of people turned up - Drake bought his axis so Steve and Klaus were there; ex-workmates turned up (4 of 'em) - a pleasant surprise; the usual suspects were there, which included Vana (just back from Greece), Seamus (from Melbourne), and Lokesh (back visiting for a few days) - plus the recently arrived James, Paul and Kim. There was quite a large crowd of ex-schoolmates, which is quite amazing really. I smiled, drank beer and went home in time to get up at a sensible hour (as if I'd do anything else).

* Job goes well. Makes a difference.

* Girl goes well. A nice, slowly developing relationship where we don't feel we have to be all over each other all the time. I like independent people :-)

Redistrict This!

2004-11-06T17:57:00.000+13:00

Canada's message to the Republicans.

Seriously, anyone else wishing that the Union had just quietly let the Confederates go instead of fighting the Civil War? Or that the Brits had put down the American Revolution?

Long absences

2004-10-26T22:33:00.000+13:00

Too much to talk about, really.

I've started the new job. It's going really well, it's interesting and challenging and the people seem good. It's also all about working hard for the 8-hour working day, and then going home, which suits me down to the nines because I've never been a big fan of overtime and I don't tend to socialise too much with workmates anyway. (I'm not going to say much more about the job - keeping personal and professional lives seperate). David, if you're reading, you'd love it there. No mindless chatter. Just work. (Oh, but you were right about being stuck using IE).

I spent the last weekend in Napier with Rhonda. 'Twas a good time, almost all of the time (given how hard I am to be around for protracted periods, we'll take that). We did have one minor 'argument' (hardly worthy of the name and quickly made up). I'm enjoying her company more all the time. Napier itself was pleasant enough - except for the weather (overcast? we went there because it was supposed to be sunny. oh well). And the bogans (nothing against them, in general - just that they were playing their music and revvin' their cars and doing other bogan things, loud and late. The drunks shouting outside our room at both 2.30am and 5am deserve two slaps, as well). And the food poisoning I got late on Sunday. Bad bad bad. Neither of us slept very well that night. I still haven't got over it properly, got indigestion and so on and so forth.

My friend and ex-girlfriend Adele is pregnant. She will be the first of my really close group of friends to have a baby. Not unexpected, but signifying the start of our move into adulthood - especially when coupled with Paul and Kim buying a house (in Wilton). It's all starting to make me think I need to get on with life a bit more productively.

How the White House Embraced Disputed Arms Intelligence

2004-10-04T12:46:00.000+13:00

Those centrifuge tubes that Powell and Cheney said were for nuclear centrifuges? They were really, and truly for short-range missiles. As proven by inspectors before the war started. The New York Times has the story (long, but worth it - the sort of detailed research we need more of).

Nominations for the Shortlist Prize

2004-10-01T16:02:00.000+12:00

The longlist for the Shortlist prize (that makes no sense). Some good names from a range of genres (the Eagles of Death Metal are my new favourite band, based purely on their name - although their album would have been a thousand times cooler had it been called "Peace Love Unity Death Metal". I dig many of the bands on this list, and haven't heard of a lot of the others, so I'll be checking them out.

Via MTV.com , of all places.

"Because he really is that good"

2004-09-30T11:19:00.000+12:00

Laurie: so why's there so much hype over an 18-year-old?

Me: Because he really is that good.

Hat-trick on debut. What more could we want? Other than Fergie going back to playing 4-4-2, and a team that passes the ball on the ground rather than firing long balls into Ruud in the box.

We're back. This is good. This is very good indeed.

Personal stuff...and stuff

2004-09-28T17:34:00.000+12:00

I finally get around to updating this with something that isn't about football or members of the Ramones dying...

So, um life is sweet. Rhonda and I are still seeing each other and still getting on very well (we've got a date to see this in about 20 minutes). She's met most of my friends and I've met some of hers, and we all seem to get on well. And for a civilian, she's full of good advice and support for my issues with depression - basically offering the odd helpful suggestion about how to look at the world, and reminding me that anxiety and stuff can be, you know, normal.

The big news is, though, that I got the job! I only applied as a way of seeing what was out there, and how well my skills stacked up against other people. I was glad just to get an interview, then a second interview, then a third...and then they offered me the job. The good news - it's basically a 10% salary increase, plus superannuation contributions, plus a salary review in 6 months. I'm happy.

I'll be working in a more strategic role, more to do with project management of information projects from records management through to knowledge management. No more reference requests from school kids. It's at a central government agency that I won't name here (best to keep all that very well seperate from what I write about here).

I start in late October. Woot for me!

Brian Clough, RIP

2004-09-24T11:46:00.000+12:00

The former Nottingham Forest great died of cancer a few days ago, aged 69. Fox Sports has a selection of his best quotes.

My favourite is the honesty in this one:

"I'm dealing with my drinking problem and I have a reputation for getting things done."

But his comments on Keano, Fergie and Sven are pretty damn funny, too.

Hubbard sues NBR for $1.5m

2004-09-23T13:17:00.000+12:00

After the oh-so-predicitable attack on Auckland mayoral candidate Dick Hubbard in the National Business Review, comes news that Hubbard is suing them for $1.5 million (The New Zealand Herald).

NBR is one of the few papers in New Zealand to follow the American model of journalism - they really, truly, seem to hate their political opponents, and to want to bring them down personally. It's funny to see how they attack Hubbard ("he pays low wages", "he doesn't report against a triple-bottom-line") when they'd defend any other businessman who used the same methods.

American democracy

2004-09-23T12:04:00.000+12:00

You know it's bad when Reuters are reporting it (via the NZ Herald).

Russ Meyer is dead

2004-09-23T11:34:00.000+12:00

Guardian Unlimited reports Russ Meyer, skin-flick auteur, has died aged 82. This guy was one of the heroes of the early 'Incredibly Strange' Film Festivals back in the mid-1990s. I well remember sitting in the Paramount, watching Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, and laughing louder than anyone in the place (with the obvious exception of my trash-film loving psychology lecturer, who was sitting in front of me).

A sad day. RIP Russ.

A shitty start to the day

2004-09-17T08:52:00.000+12:00

RIP Johnny.

Maddox explains how web-filtering works

2004-09-13T13:06:00.000+12:00

If you work for Websense, you aren't reading this.

Quite, quite beautiful. Especially helpful is the flow-chart which neatly circumvents the First Amendment.

Should I Rip This?

2004-09-13T12:56:00.000+12:00

The London News Review provides a flow-chart to help you determine when it is morally acceptable to import music. (Obviously, it's almost never legally acceptable, blah blah blah).

Conference goodness

2004-09-09T21:17:00.000+12:00

I've spent the last week in Auckland, attending the LIANZA annual conference.

A brilliant time overall (I won't go into the details here, save that for my professional blog. But the social aspects were good, too. I spent Friday and Saturday with Mandy, an ex-classmate of mine. Friday we'd hoped to catch SJD playing live but they'd sold out, so we wandered the streets of Kingsland for a while, tossing up between classy cocktail joints and dirty rock and roll. The dirty rock and roll won - we checked out the Have and SlaveTrader, both young loud bands. Nothing fantastic, but nothing wrong with them either - the sort of sounds that have become fashionable with the success of the Datsuns and the D4. Not a huge crowd, sadly, and at least two dodgy mullets spotted.

Saturday we chilled as Mandy has her son that day, and he was sick. Watched a documentary on feminist film makers and Antiques Roadshow, and ate pizza.

Sunday was the welcome cocktail party, which (for reasons I still haven't worked out) took place on the platform of the Auckland train station. It was a pleasant evening though (no cocktails, dammit! just wine). I hooked up with Matt Powell, an old schoolmate of mine who works at Wellington City Libraries, and a bunch of his workmates. We got very drunk, very quickly, I realised that one of the workmates knows Rhonda and had been instructed (by another friend of hers) to track me down at conference and check me out. I made it easier for her by finding her myself.

The next bit is hazy, but I remember being in a bar on the Viaduct Basin, singing Smiths and Billy Bragg songs, and eating. At which point it seemed like a good idea to go home.

Conference passed uneventfully - I did run into a bunch of my former classmates, plus a few lecturers and a few other librarians I know. A good feeling, generally, that I'm starting to meet people within the profession. I passed on the conference dinner, which was apparently either very good, or rubbish - depending on who I asked. But the last night was the best, when I'd been expecting that I'd have to go home and watch the Simpsons alone (Vanita had gone home, Mandy was sick, Matt had gone home that evening). On my way home I ran into a vendor I'd been talking to, and a bunch of other vendors. They dragged me out with them, and we had a great time of it - lots of drinks and banter. We also found a very cool (literally) bar called Minus Five - it's made entirely of ice, and you have to wear big arctic jackets to go inside. Even the glasses are made of ice, and there are some cool sculptures as well.

Unfortunately I had to be up by 6am, so left early-ish. But not before discovering that two of the vendors knew people I knew - one of them knew Rhonda (does everyone know this woman?) and another once worked at the Australian Institute of Sport with people I know.

Home today, tired but revitalised. The big news is that I have a second interview for the job, tomorrow. I spent Sunday afternoon completing a web-based personality test. I'm quite excited, I must be down to the last two or three candidates. Which is a much better result than I ever expected. Cross fingers for me :-)

stats.blogger.com is dead

2004-09-02T12:04:00.000+12:00

Long live Re-Invigorate, a very impressive and easy way of tracking site traffic, with lots of extras such as browser, screen resolution, OS, whether user has cookies set, and referring URL, as well as a rather nifty looking graphic representation of where your traffic comes from, by time zone. Only caveat, the text size is a little small and the colour scheme isn't the greatest to my eyes, but overall a good (and free, and open-source) product.

Speaks for itself

2004-09-01T13:02:00.000+12:00

Original atManUtd Pics

Football season starts

2004-08-30T12:45:00.000+12:00

And I've been staying up (or getting up) to watch the games live. Probably futile. United already look unlikely to win anything. The team just doesn't have the discipline that it used to, or that Arsenal have now. They lack the ability to kill off games that they should win easily - Blackburn
being a perfect example. Still, at least the lads are playing with the style of United teams of old - the aimless long ball up the middle for RVN has been replaced by a more sophisticated passing game - even if too often we're still hitting long balls from midfield in the general direction of Ronaldo.

Several players look to have come on well since last season - the boy wonder himself, as well as Kleberson and Eric D-D. We could have the foundations of a very good team here. And when Rooney signs we will have probably the best strike force in England - possibly in the world. (Notwithstanding Henry, Bergkamp and Reyes at Arsenal, or Owen, Ronaldo and Raul at Real Madrid).

Let's hope for some classy football, a decent European run, and we can work on getting our trophy back next season.

Walking it like you talk it

2004-08-30T12:25:00.000+12:00

I found out last week that a friend of mine is in the West Bank, with an international peace group, basically observing what's going on and working for Palestinian rights. I'm in awe of his bravery - he's choosing to put himself in one of the more dangerous parts of the world, in order to stand up for what he believes in.

His emails have been very interesting:

Yesterday I had the honour of speaking to Fadwa
Barghouthi, the wife of Marwan Barghouthi. I met her
at the solidarity tent in Sawiya. The tent is set up
to show solidarity with the prison hunger strikers.

Until I read this, I'd never heard of Barghouthi. Googling doesn't help much, there are many pro-Palestinian websites that mention him, but few from the other side (I was interested to see why he had been jailed - my friend writes that it was because he was a member of Fateh and an elected Palestinian leader, other sources link him with Al-Aqsa or Hamas.). I don't pretend to know the truth - although it's interesting how little coverage the Palestinian hunger strike is gaining world-wide - Google News has only nine hits for Marwan Barghouthi.

I'll finish with another quote from my friend:

In Marda we haven't had sound bombs for the last three
nights. The army came and took a 16 year old boy from
the streets a couple of days ago. They tied his wrists
tightly, and put a bag over his head. He was forced to
sit with his head between his legs in the back of the
jeep. They took him to the settlement (Ariel) for
interrogation. This boy was only held for about an
hour. Long enough to give him welts on his wrists.
That's a quiet day in Marda. I've discovered something
worse than sound bombs anyway- try telling a teenage
girl that there's nothing you can do for her brother
who has been detained without charge for five days.

All I can do at this point is pray for peace, and hope that he gets out of there safely. And point out that those who are claiming that the Foreshore and Seabed Bill will "lead to civil war in New Zealand and turn us into another Israel and Palestine" are making ignorant and offensive comments that insult the victims of that tragedy, both Israeli and Palestinian.

Just like old times

2004-08-30T12:17:00.000+12:00

As everyone comes back to Wellington...

After meeting up with James for the first time last week, I get a text from him on Saturday telling me that Kim and Paul are in town. I'm tired, but drag my weary body down to JJ Murphy's for a few drinks and dinner. Through our honesty, we probably get one of the barmen in trouble (he brought us two drinks and never came back for the money, we went and paid at the bar - the manager was not terribly impressed that the drinks had never been rung on the till).

But anyway: Paul and Kim, now back here for good. That came out of the blue - for me at least. I hadn't spoken to either of them in a while, and I hadn't realised how fed up they were getting with life in KL. So, good to see them. Life's going to become more interesting again, I feel. People are starting to come back to Wellington, not leave it.

Sunday we had a family dinner as my mother/step-father were in town for a pacifist conference. Which seemed to go OK (although it apparently became rather heated at one point - Roger was very keen for an outbreak of violence, purely for the absurdist impact). Dinner was good - Rhonda came along and met my family (seemed somewhat early in the relationship for that, but they won't be in town for quite a while, so it was probably appropriate). I managed to come down with a bad asthma attack though, which wasn't much fun (I don't have any meds at the moment. Stupidly).

Friday (note clever time-shifting chronology in this post) Rhonda cooked me dinner (Thai green fish curry - very nice) and we lazed around her house for most of Saturday. Happy times.

She's a librarian: figures, huh?

2004-08-26T17:14:00.000+12:00

Last night was my fourth date with Rhonda, and it ended like the second and third ones, with one of us staying at the other's house. This is making me happy.

She's smart and funny and all the good things like that, we share very similar values and ways of living our lives (we walk everywhere, neither of us drives but it doesn't bother us). We like alcohol and food (women who like food are so great - there's nothing worse than being around someone who moans about how they can't eat this or that because of a diet - and because she exercises she's still in good shape).

We can talk for ages about the serious or the trivial. She digs film and really obscure music (it is truly weird being around someone who knows more about music than me, and who has a bigger music collection - and hers is mainly vinyl *swoons*)....she's in the David/Kelvin/Vanita/Jane league of music obsession and knowing about obscure stuff that I haven't even heard of (she interrupted our first kiss because she wanted it to have a soundtrack - Godspeed! You Black Emperor. This is the kind of woman I've been looking for....and this is after we went to F9/11 as a second date! (OK, weird choice. Mea culpa).

Oh and she's a librarian and we manage to have interesting conversations about library stuff which is kinda neat. (Ever had post-coital conversations about the Dewey Decimal Classification or issues around why a catalogue should only contain a single master entry for a work, and then relational entries for each copy of the work that your library holds? I have. Now. It was actually interesting).

OK, so I'm weird.

David, is this enough reading for tonight?

I'm looking forward to the hits I get when someone does a link: search on some of the links I posted here ;-)

Interviews

2004-08-26T17:00:00.000+12:00

Had a job interview yesterday morning. I'm not going to mention where as I don't want the (obviously remote) possibility of this blog being linked to anywhere I might happen to work (even though anyone who reads this probably knows where it is, anyway - and if not feel free to email me).

I thought it went reasonably well, though I'm not wildly optimistic (it was probably at the limits of my skills and experience, so I'd wager there's someone out there with more experience). But I thought I did very well on the work sample test, which will hopefully make up for my slight show of nerves in the interview.

Either way, a good experience.

By all accounts, this is a good time to be job hunting in Wellington. Unemployment in the country as a whole is at some kind of record low, and with everything that's happening in Wellywood at the moment, I'm cautiously optimistic about my future.

Pub quiz night, meet unstoppable force

2004-08-26T16:53:00.000+12:00

Tuesday was another night at the Black Harp in Featherston St for their pub quiz night. We only had a scratch team, as Tony didn't put the usual notice up on NZ Dating but we still managed to win. The usual diversity of ages and interests proved TOO MUCH for our opponents, who succumbed by a single point after we went 10 for 10 on the second of the Rounds of Dooooooom.

The two women who had been alternately stalking me and then changing their minds (see previous posts for the last month or so) both turned up briefly, but I only managed to speak to one, and then only to say Hi. That chance has well and truly gone (but more of that in my next post).

The real highlight, though, was my man James coming down. Not only did we get a chance to catch up, which was awesome in itself, but he enjoyed hanging out with the others, AND was probably responsible for us winning (the guy nailed a whole lot of questions on his own). And he tells me Paul and Kim are coming back in a week (which I knew) but to live permanently (which I didn't). Interesting. Wellington is starting to seem like the place to be again.

Washed away

2004-08-18T13:03:00.000+12:00

Storms in Wellington.

Really, really, big storms.

By our standards, anyway. I feel churlish complaining compared to what's been happening in Florida and China.

But it's been unpleasant enough. Weather updates are comparing it to the Wahine storm.

My flat escaped unscathed, other than a rubbish bin blown over and lots of branches blown off trees. I spent the night wondering if my bedroom windows were going to blow out, though. And the walk to work was miserable - I had gale force winds and rain blowing in my face the whole way. Only just starting to warm up now.

Central Wellington is half-deserted, and the city is cut off by pretty much everything - air, rail and road. Fun times. I don't want to leave the building. It's col out there....

A zen koan

2004-08-17T12:26:00.000+12:00

Why is it, that after ending a relationship with someone that I loved, and who loved me back, I feel a lot happier than I did when I was in the relationship?

Or, for that matter, happier than I have done in a long long time? Possibly ever?

Sometimes, the greatest curse is getting what you want. Maybe losing what you want can be the greatest blessing, as well. But I don't understand it.

The quick update

2004-08-17T12:20:00.000+12:00

Main priority for the last few weeks has been study, caused by underestimating the time it would take me to finish a literature review (not helped by getting the due date wrong, either). For several days I was at w0rk till close to midnight, writing and researching. Not fun. It's going to be strange when I finally graduate, I'll have all this free time and no idea what to do with it.

I did find time to catch the rugby last Friday (Welli beat Canterbury, seems to becoming a habit for the first game of the NPC) in a good open game. Headed up to the Bristol with Dad after that, had a few drinks, he left, played pinball waiting for Drake and Casey to turn up. They made it in around 11.30 with Piers, Wai and Billie in tow, and we played some pool till Billie did her drama queen thing and I left for Bodega to check out Vital Sounds.

By Saturday things were cool and (after sleeping till 1pm) I headed up to the Hutt for a hardcore game of Trivial Pursuit with some NZD people, including Billie. She seemed to have few memories of the night before, and it was a good evening overall.

It's possible

2004-08-17T12:15:00.000+12:00

That all women are not crazy, and it's just the ones I know....

Very strange few days, relationship wise....what with Sarah deciding that she didn't want anything to do with me, as soon as I indicated that I was actually available....followed by Billie who spent the first half of Friday making eyes at me, got drunk and started accusing me of saying and doing things that I hadn't, had a shouting match with Case, and then (when I went to leave the pub in disgust) came with me.

Oh, the drama.

Meantime the one sane and normal woman I've been involved with (so far) this year goes out and gets herself a boyfriend. Say goodbye to any hope of random Sunday booty calls. Shame.

On the bright side: been chatting to another lass online. Finally met her last Thursday. She's a librarian with awesome taste in music and books (she writes, as well). And we get each others sense of humour. It's a good start. We shall see where things go from here.

Alrighty! I'm still here!

2004-08-05T12:34:00.000+12:00

The mysterious bruise has disappeared from my hand. I've completed another few hours of my literature search, and I stand at least a fighting chance of putting something together by the deadline (next Friday). One small problem is that I'm continually finding theoretical or review papers, but very few practical ones. And it's made worse because the number of researchers working in this area is relatively small, and most of them are colleagues of my supervisor. Hmmm....how to critically evaluate such work?

We came second in the Black Harp quiz night - the other NZ Dating team beat us by one point. And it came down to the last question. Which I had the correct answer for, but the others over-ruled me. Oh well. Good fun night, anyway. And now I have a phone! Bought off Yvonne's daughter so she can switch to a more recent model. I join the late 20th century!

No meditation this week, so lots of study last night, some emailing and more slow progress on Civ3 (how is it that I can have a brand-new PC and the game still runs slow? OK, I'm playing a scenario which is way bigger than a normal game, but even so - it's not like it's a brand new game, after all).

Chatting to a couple of decent-seeming women at the moment. Both have similar interests and seem intelligent and friendly. OK, scratch "seem" seeing as one has a Masters (librarianship!) and the other was well into her PhD before having to withdraw. Planning to meet up at some point soon. It's all good.

Except for the fact that my ex still owes me around $700, and seems to be making no effort to repay it. Not much I can do about that. (I could quite easily take some incredibly evil revenge (never send digital nude pics of yourself to someone unless you really trust that person) , but that would (rightly) trash my reputation with people that matter, and still leave me out of pocket). And basically, I am trustworthy enough that I wouldn't want to do anything remotely like that.

Got a date tonight with Sarah assuming she doesn't stand me up. Probability of that, high. (She can be a bit of a flaker, unfortunately - not just for me but for everyone).

Oh my God!!!

2004-08-02T20:37:00.000+12:00

I have a dark, sinister and mysterious bruise forming on my right hand. I have no idea where this came from, but I fear the worst.

This may be my last post. Thank you for reading. Tell Laura I love her.

Alternatively two hours of reading articles on the application of customer service models to academic libraries may just have turned my brain to mush. It could happen. I could be hallucinating right now.

Dancing to the music, all night long

2004-08-02T18:28:00.000+12:00

Well, OK. Not quite all night long. I was home by 5. This is Friday we're talking about here. After catching the Ramones movie End of the Century at Paramount, I headed on up to Atomic at Indigo. The movie was great, lots of live footage, interviews with all the major players (all band members, including all three drummers and CJ, as well as Seymour Stein, Debbie Harry, and more). Sad to watch Dee Dee storming out of the band reunion at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, knowing that he'd be dead in a few months. I went with Keiran and Johnny, who seemed to enjoy it, which is good - I'm always half nervous of inviting people to things in case they don't like them.

Keiran joined me at Indigo, stuck around for an hour or so while we chatted and enjoyed the music. First time I'd been to Atomic and I was quite impressed (I still think Indigo needs a new sound system though, as Keiran said, it sounded like the speakers weren't really up to the job and were overloading). We walked in in the middle of a set of oldschool punk/new wave tunes ('Ever Fallen in Love', 'Gotta Getaway', 'Peaches', I can't remember the rest) which mutated into 80s pop via 'Kids in America' - a nice segue. Keiran left, I danced away the night, they played some Ramones which made me very happy, and some dodgy 80s hair metal that had everyone shouting along to 'Living on A Prayer' and 'Paradise City'.

So back home to bed, slept through much of the day but got up in time to catch The Battle of Algiers again at the Paramount. A fantastic film. Here's what emailed to a friend:

... a good, well-filmed account of Algerian resistance to the French - very interesting watching it with thoughts of the Iraq war - the evil done by both sides, and at the same time the realisation that what they were doing might be wrong (resistence members hesitating before placing bombs in cafes filled with French civilians; the French troops giving out food or helping young Algerian children, but also torturing prisoners). It was a powerful film, I'm glad I've seen it.

(OK, so I'll never be a film critic).

Way too tired to make it out that night, so missed Echo's party, and stayed home Sunday as well. Ah well, laziness is sometimes OK.

(And I did have a late boozy night on Thursday playing pool and avoiding karaoke with Drake, Casey, Billy and Rob. So I don't feel too anti-social).

You know things are bad

2004-08-02T17:00:00.000+12:00

When you start pining for the days of Reagan. And when his son's comments about GW Bush start to make a lot of sense.

The world is surreal.

"But it was worth it"

2004-07-26T17:16:00.000+12:00

-me, 27 August 2003.

Describing the first time Cory and I were together. Sigh. Funny the things that make you recall the past. In this case it was someone who'd hit my (other) blog through a search on 'coneticut faggot' (yeah, I know the spelling's wrong there). That brought up a very old entry where I talked about my second-last trip to the States, and the night I spent at Luke and Chrissie's place, and at a party where frat boys were calling each other "faggot".

And that of course was when I met Cory, so the same entry was me recounting how good the time we spent together in New York was. And saying that there was no way we would be able to make things work, but it was worth it anyway. I guess I needed to remember that. I'm very deep in the "anger" stage of grief at the moment, I can't get past seeing the bad side of the relationship, and feeling that she mistreated me. I guess I'm heading into the "sorrow" stage, but I'm not quite there yet.

Ah well. Remember the good times. Try to put the bad in perspective. New York was very, very good, and for whatever reason New Mexico wasn't. And California was. Two weeks, that's all. It seems like such a small reward for the energy we both expended on it. But that's life.

Unhappy@Happy

2004-07-25T13:24:00.000+12:00

That's the name of the Salford Lads Club's latest gig. Venue chosen mostly because of the name (and the fact that one of the band members knows the owner, as Adrian told me afterwards). Happy being known more for dance/reggae/dub oriented gigs.

I struggled to think of anyone who would both want to go and be able to afford it, so I went solo. Luck was with me as I ran into Stephen outside - pretty much the only time I ever see the guy is at events like these, but he's gregarious and easy to get along with so we hung out for the night. He was very drunk (or something) and bitching about Derek who had stood him up or something.

I'd swallowed a few tabs of Frenzy and was feeling alive and chatty, Stephen was in the same mood so we made friends with (or irritated the hell out of) most of the crowd at the front of the stage. I was recognised by someone who I'd known 10 or more years ago, a friend of Kylie and Mandy. Very weird.

This time the Lads had a support act, solo guitar guy with a good voice and some original tunes on top of Beatles and Radiohead covers. Wish I'd remembered to ask his name. Then the Lads did their thing, to the usual crowd ecstasy, everyone singing along and a bit of stage invading. Adrian told me afterwards he didn't think it had been a great performance, and it certainly wasn't transendent or even exceptional, but it was very good.

Shame everyone disappeared straight afterwards though. I staggered home and did my usual post-BZP stay-up-most-of-the-night-even-though-I-want-to-go-to-sleep thing. That's the only problem with that drug - it's cheap, legal and fun, with minimal comedowns, but dammit I want to get to sleep later on...just a bit too speedy.

(And I say minimal comedowns now, but I can feel one just nipping at the edges of my brain, bound to come on stronger during the week, and I've been lax about taking my prozac this week, so it could be less than pleasant. Oh well, I'm generally feeling good so I shouldn't worry too much).

And I had a great email from someone on the dating site. She was articulate, really impressed with my profile, and had a very interesting profile herself. And she gave me a recommended reading list. What more could I want? Oh. She doesn't live in Wellington. This is starting to sound familiar.

The quick rejection (and people want my ex)

2004-07-14T19:16:00.000+12:00

So I had a blind date today. Went to Midnight Espresso for coffee. She turned up (looking nothing like her picture, I would never have recognised her). We chat for about 15 minutes and then she says "thanks" and leaves. I had no idea if I was interested in her or not, but it was a pretty quick rejection and it feels somewhat harsh. Oh well, life goes on.

Meantime one of my internet buddies has Cory on his top five list of girls he "wants hot monkey sex with". The thought of this isn't exactly pleasing (although seeing as they're in completely different parts of the country, it's not terribly likely - until the next big party). At least he had the cojones to make it public.

On again, off again, but mostly off again

2004-07-12T17:27:00.000+12:00

Well, I thought it was starting to show potential. But perhaps not. And I have a feeling one of us would have driven the other one crazy, eventually.

So I've had a nothing weekend and now I'm home sick and feeling sorry for myself. The people I most want to be with right now are all on the other side of the world, and all together - the bastards. OK, that's only temporary due to Michael and Beth, and Paul and Kim, being over in London at the same time, and in a few months Damian and James will be back here, but still - I wish I was there.

I love wireless broadband. But for some reason it doesn't play well with Soulseek. Thanks to David I've discovered the wonders of MP3 blogs, though, so I'm getting my music junkie fix that way.

Passed (and Charlie Kaufman)

2004-07-10T19:32:00.000+12:00

That was suitably mild.

Life is OK again.

Had dinner with Helen at Roti Chennai last night. Pretty good - no complaints from me, anyway. I had a stuffed parotha with chicken curry. An acquaintance of hers appeared halfway through, and in-between catching up with the gossip and so on, asked Helen if I was "the man of her dreams". Her reply, "well, he's a man". Which is fair enough. A horrible question to ask someone, at the best of times.

We followed that up by playing pool again (I won 5-3, she got upset because she thought I was patronising her when I thanked her for a good game, but not too upset). She decided to go home (it was only 8.30) - alone. Made me feel slightly paranoid, although I realised it was just because she gets up so early for work she was tired out.

I strolled over to Rialto, but couldn't find anything I wanted to see, so headed on up to Reading. I was in luck, they were showing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which I'd been wanting to see. Interesting film, possibly even weirder than Adaptation, and very enjoyable, although the ending felt a bit rushed, and wasn't totally satisfying. I feel like there's there's a place for a "writer's cut" to be released - it didn't feel like it ended properly.

Idle speculation: Charlie Kaufman is the auteur working today whose style is closest to that of Philip K. Dick's. All the way through, Spotless Mind felt like something that PKD could have produced. Even the quote that gives the film its title reminded me of Dick - Mary misattributing the Pope quote is similar to J.R. Isidore's misattributed Donne quote in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?... and the central motif of the film (character with memory erased, at the mercy of powerful and incomprehensible forces, experiencing dreams into which reality intrudes) is pure PKD. Daydream: Kaufman writing the screenplay for a Dick novel. How cool would that be? (Even cooler than Linklater directing A Scanner Darkly, I'm betting).

The inevitable comedown (probably passing)

2004-07-08T21:59:00.000+12:00

Dave suggested I should rename this "Simon's Sex Blog". Tempting as that is, I think I'll pass for now....

This week's been a bit harder, my mood's been quite down for the last few days. Possibly a comedown from Friday, and possibly the weather (it's cold and rainy and it is the middle of winter, so I'm dealing with short daylight hours. I'm finding getting out of bed a real strain. Once I force myself into the day I'm OK though. Which I guess is a success of sorts - that I'm actually able to force myself to get up - a few months ago I'd probably have just stayed in bed.

Things that cheer me up this week, having lunch with Kaaryn, hugs from Helen, my Jim White and Wilco CDs arriving, finally moving into the 21st Century and getting broadband (wireless, via Woosh - been having a few problems (it doesn't seem to play well with all the software I use, and the signal isn't the strongest here, hardly their fault seeing as I'm right up against a hill), but overall it's great. I like not having to log off the 'net in order to use the phone.

Listening to Mr J White at the moment. Interesting album - very downbeat - kinda like The Wrong Kind of Love or Book of Angels, no full-blast country stompers like God Was Drunk When He Made Me or Ten Miles To Go On A Nine Mile Road. And a bonus track! I've just realised I've been playing the album in reverse (burned it straight to iTunes, I don't even use my stereo anymore). Interesting - it seems to be getting better as I go - looks like a weak Side Two. (Side Two! I am showing my age).

Good old Jim. Some nice memories of London and Jane coming through here....hey, she did say 'think of me in your Jim White moments'....oooh....first great song on the album - Girl From Brownsville Texas - the perfect mix of religion, lost love and the dusty south.

Everyone says yes

2004-07-05T17:38:00.000+12:00

I'm finding myself in a somewhat unusual position. I actually have two women who are interested in pursuing things with me. Helen and I are giving things a try to see what happens. Meantime Sarah is deciding that she's interested as well. She wanted me to go home with her on Friday. I'm proud to say I didn't. I'd promised Helen that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else till we'd decided what was happening between us. And she'd never have known, but I didn't, anyway. Hey for integrity. [Insert bitter comment here about other people who claim to be in love but sleep with someone else anyway].

Anyway, Friday night was great. Went to 24 Hour Party People at Indigo. For a long time it looked like it was going to be a bad night - it was Monique's last night in town and we were all supposed to be going out, but we couldn't get our plans together, and we were worried that some of us couldn't pay the cover charge at Indigo. All was eventually well - we hit the bar early and avoided the cover charge (they probably made it back from us in beer, anyway). Sat around talking for a while, and eventually started dancing. Whole bunch of us there, Drake and Casey, Monique and Wai, Sarah, plus Rob (Drake's flatmate) turned up with some friends. And we made friends with an English couple who were sitting next to us. All in all, very good. Took some Frenzy (shared it with Sarah, she seemed to like it). We were talking for ages, ended up kissing a bit, went dancing as well. I talked the ear off a German guy about football, and the English girl about whatever I could think of, mainly the Birmingham music scene. Got home at about 4am after convincing Sarah that I wasn't going to take a Bill Clinton interpretation of sex (in other words, I turned down no-obligation oral sex. This may be some kind of record). Stayed up till 5 unable to sleep posting stupid things on the internet. Very entertaining.

Slept most of Saturday, went round to Helen's, watched Adaptation and Pi. She hated Pi, didn't mind Adaptation, her flatmate hated that though. Here's my problem (and this sounds horrible). I want someone who shares my tastes in art and film and music and stuff. And she doesn't (although she wants to go to the Tracey Emin exhibition, which is something - I'm quite a big fan of Emin's work). Where's Jane when I need her? Or even Cory or Sarah at least had good taste in film, if not music. Or Adele, for that matter. OK, I'm a snob. But dammit these things are important.

She says yes, she says no....

2004-06-29T17:12:00.000+12:00

She says yes again...after Sunday, H has decided maybe she does want to take things further after all. We're keeping things fairly casual, but we are going to keep trying to get to know each other. All sounds good to me.

My back hurts. Not incredibly badly, but it's tight and painful. I've booked an appointment at the physio at university. It's just bad enough that I don't want to run or do any major exercise, sometimes slightly worse than that. I'm sure all I need is a few stretches and I'll be fine, so that's what I'm hoping the physio can show me.

Major achievement at work, completed a pathfinder for sport/physical activity research. It's basically a list of the resources that you would use to find out about a whole bunch of topics related to our work. It's taken me long enough, but finally the first draft is finished. I've knocked it into HTML as well, so should be available on our intranet soon. All going well, might put it up on the web as well.

No study, so spent last evening playing Civ3 (I still suck) and tonight am heading down to the quiz as soon as I finish typing this. Today, we win. Perhaps.

OK, maybe just stand there a little

2004-06-27T22:00:00.000+12:00

After a busy week, I think I can be excused for having a quiet weekend.

And you know what, the weather was miserable anyway. Left me with no motivation to go out.

I did make the NZ Dating Trivial Pursuit evening, which was fun. I'm starting to think they're a good crowd of people, and I'm glad Adrianne kept inviting me to these things till I eventually turned up. And I found out that Yvonne likes the same sort of music I do, so we've got plans to go to 24 Hour Party People next Friday. This is good news. I don't know many people who'd be keen to head down there, so I'm glad I found her.

Saturday was meant to be a party at our CEO's place, but I couldn't be bothered going, I was too tired and it was wet and miserable. So I stayed in and watched sport and read (Pollen, by Jeff Noon - a little disappointing - not as good as Vurt). Sunday was a quiet day, but did manage to go for a jog and went round to Helen's for dinner and very fun but meaningless sex. Damn it, if only we had the chemistry in the rest of our lives that we do in bed, we'd make a great couple. On the bright side, at least we can have the sexual chemistry when we want it :-)

A very pleasant end to the weekend :-)

Don't just stand there

2004-06-25T16:56:00.000+12:00

It's been another busy week. I'm pleased.

Tuesday was the quiz night, as mentioned. Wednesday I went to my meditation class. It was one of the best yet. Very, very positive. I came out with a big grin on my face that lasted all the way home. Thursday we had drinks at work, which was fun, and then I went off to the Opera (Rigoletto), put on by Opera NZ at the St James. My first opera. I only turned up because Laurie was in the chorus, but damn it if I didn't enjoy myself. I enjoyed it even more when I noticed the sur-titles, and realised that I could actually follow what was going on. (I missed them at first because I was looking above the stage, and they were off to the side, under the stalls).

I do have to remember that there really isn't much point in expecting to actually see Laurie if I'm going to persist in sitting in the cheap seats. I was right at the back (maybe 2 rows from the back) and I was far enough away that I couldn't make him out. Had a good time though. Probably good enough to want to go back.

Tonight is on the downlow, I'm playing Trivial Pursuit with some NZD people. Nice and relaxing, which is what I feel like (I'm tired and I got up at 5.45 to come into work to watch the soccer on the big screen).

Well, that was quick

2004-06-22T21:56:00.000+12:00

Helen and I called things off tonight. She was the one to say it, but she was right. It was fun and all, but there isn't a spark. If we kept on as we are it would be perfectly pleasant, but we'd really just be passing time. And she doesn't want that. Which I understand. Right now I'm perfectly happy to just pass time for a few months, but I can understand that she isn't.

So, back to being single again. Oh well.

Hah! Music and books!

2004-06-22T17:44:00.000+12:00

Recent purchases:

Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men - David Foster Wallace

Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson

I - The Magnetic Fields (16 songs all starting with the letter "I" - Stephen Merritt does it again)

Brand New Night - The Cash Brothers

A Ghost is Born - Wilco

Drill a Hole in That Substrate & Tell Me What You Think - Jim White

Things that help my mood right now

2004-06-21T21:39:00.000+12:00

Random list of things to help get over a broken heart:

Turn It Around - Husker Du. Just listened to this for the first time, and it struck a chord. (/resists temptation to make 'chord' joke).

Emails from my mother, telling me about the times she went through the same thing. "It hurt at the time, especially as I was away from home in a strange town. But if that hadn't happened, neither would you".

Paul Kelly, lyrics to Bradman: "they say the darkest hour is right before the dawn/and in the hour of greatest slaughter the great avenger has been born/but who then could have seen the shape of things to come/in Bradman's first test he went for 18, and for 1". (It makes sense to me, OK?).

This article - a truly awesome piece.

Buddhist meditation and philosophy. They have good things to say. The classes I'm attending leave me happier and calmer. Bodh Gaya Buddhist Centre (Manners Mall branch).

Badly Drawn Boy singing "sometimes you've got to rewind, to go forward" (Have You Fed The Fish?)

More as I think of 'em...

Things that make me smile, at least a little

2004-06-21T21:08:00.000+12:00

I'm getting on pretty well with Helen. She's funny and we have a good, easy banter going. Both online and in person. She's smart, and cuddly and she likes cuddling with me. Just the thing I need for a cold winter. We've been seeing each other reasonably frequently, but not so often that it's totally obsessive - we're talking two to three times per week.

This last weekend was good - we started out by playing pool at the Ballroom (she kicked my ass, 6-3, but I swear I had a run of bad luck, and how can I be expected to play on proper sized tables anyway?). Then went for dinner at Little India on Allen St. It was drunken fun, and then we caught a taxi home in the rain, with the taxi driver giving us a share of his wisdom, mainly about how he spent his youth drinking and smoking weed all the time, till he had a sudden revelation that it was boring, and stopped dead. He had a good banter, anyway.

Saturday afternoon I staggered home and cleaned up, then Kaaryn came over to watch the rugby. Good result, but Shaw's sending off really rendered the whole thing academic - there was no way England were going to win after that, which is a pity, they'd started with some fire and it would have been a tough match.

Sunday I slept for 12 hours, then went to Helen's house where she cooked dinner. Coq au vin, and very nice it was too. Throw in some icecream (I provided the ice cream, OK?) and some wine and we were both happy. Only problem was, when I got home I couldn't get to sleep, which means I overslept, missed both of the soccer matches. I have to start waking up earlier dammit, the tournament is nearly over.

That Damn List Thing

2004-06-20T14:33:00.000+12:00

From a US-based music 'zine by the name of Splendid comes a rather amusing set of lists. We're talking '13 Rock n Roll Public Service Announcements', 'a 17 Song Tribute to Gay Marriage', 'Fucking Brilliant: 18 Songs the FCC's Not Crazy About Either', '18 Other People Jack White Should Beat Up', and my favourite '24 Ways Record Geeks Are Different From Other People':

Record Geeks Normal People
*Believe that Arthur Lee's Love *Believe that love is the end-all,
is the end-all, be-all of human existence be-all of human existence
*Require three days of heartfelt listening *Need three years of high school
to discern the meanings and Spanish to decipher the trivial
motives of Yo La Tengo meaning behind "Yo la tengo"
*Define "going out" as spending the day *Define "going out" as socializing with
poring over the used vinyl section of friends at the local Starbucks and
the local music store looking for a clean discussing normal things like the latest
copy of a Brian Eno collaboration with episode of Sex and the City.
two German guys called Kluster

Back, updated, life, love and pain

2004-06-14T17:46:00.000+12:00

I got halfway through updating the old diary entries when something happened to render them superfluous.

Cory got a new boyfriend. And not a boyfriend in the sense of "well, I'm really in love with you, Si, but you're on the other side of the world, so I'm going to date him in the meantime". In the sense of "we're in love". I'm not going to go into too much detail here, just say that I met him when I was over visiting her, and he is a cool guy. She could do a lot worse (and has done) and he's plainly in love with her. This is a good thing. Her and I had a somewhat unpleasant exchange of emails but we cooled down and made up. We're not in contact at the moment, but I imagine we will be again, eventually.

Bear in mind, I hadn't heard from her in around a month when I heard this, and I had been getting on with life. In fact, I was feeling happier than I was when I was trying to have a relationship with her. Weird, but I feel better alone than trying to make that work.

Anyway, my single state lasted about 3 weeks longer than hers did. I'm seeing someone I met off NZ Dating. Well, I'm not officially seeing her as of yet, but I think it's pretty obvious that we will be eventually. It's good. She makes me smile and has a brain and likes sex and everything like that. Can't really ask for anything more ;-)

06-05-2004 12:49: And now, we get on better (SIBS #4)

2004-05-28T20:21:00.000+12:00

So the last few days at Cory's place were interesting.

She was working an incredible number of hours (125 in 12 days, no days off) while I was there. She would get up for work around 7 or 8am, and get back after 1am - I'd often be back in bed by then. I really don't know how she did it - the girl has my respect.

And we were getting on a lot better. We didn't spend much time together, but it was pleasant, and I felt I could actually handle a life like that.

And then on the last few days, things got better. On my last day in Alberquerque, she had to go to work for a few hours, but she came home with a couple of kickass farewell presents - a weirdly-shaped mug and a very cool blanket (which was sooooo useful at Coachella). Little things, but little things are important. I was touched.

Then we went for breakfast and she was asking me to stay on for a few days. I couldn't - not only did I *really* want to go to Coachella, but if I didn't go then Mariposa couldn't either - I had to pick up her ticket using photo ID, so only I could get it. So I convinced Cory to come with me.

It was great. The whole Friday and Saturday we spent together we got on really well, in all sorts of circumstances - shopping, flying, in the hotel room, driving, at the festival, on psychedelics, etc. I can't believe how good it felt being with her....

Like this was how I wanted the relationship to be. And I was even hopeful that we might find a way to keep things going....

(3 May) Back home

2004-05-28T20:20:00.000+12:00

Ah, what a fantastic few days. I'll post a proper entry about it in a few days, but it involved farewell gifts from Cory, spontaneous decision by Cory to come to Coachella, shopping trips, flights to San Diego, lost hotels, Spencer and bdreligngirl picking us and Mariposa up and driving to Palm Springs, a kick ass concert, randomly running into LapDawg and Amazon Bee while walking around the venue, me losing several drug virginities, the PIXIES, Radiohead, Kraftwerk, insanity, a 45 minute wait at the Jack in the Box drive through, checking into our hotel at 2.30 am, more music the next day, a tearful farewell to Cory, the Flaming Lips, Mogwai and the Cure, three Bluelighters thinking I'd OD'd because I wasn't answering their knocks on my door (they were knocking on the wrong door, I was 4 doors down watching Happy Days), getting lost on the way back to San Diego, missing my train, but still making it to LAX OK, flying home on a half-empty plane and getting to sleep across a row of seats (luxury!), meeting two Mormon missionaries, and feeling like I was going to die as the plane struggled to land in Wellington through gale force winds.

(29 April) "I'm too old/you're too young" (SIBS #3)

2004-05-28T20:18:00.000+12:00

[Self-indulgent. For my memories, more than anything else. You don't want to read this. Probably]

A House. Absolutely unknown Irish band, with like 2 good songs. One of which was 'You're too young'.

So anyway. This wasn't even a deep conversation, it just grew out of a passing reference (to my inability to remember to water plants, and therefore my likely unsuitability as a parent). To the subject of actually having children. And though she wanted to have kids quite quickly, her opinions have changed sharply, and she's now planning to wait at least 10 years. Which is fine. I'll be 41.

That's where it hit me that there's nothing I can do to salvage this. Distance? Sure I can overcome that, no problem. Time? Yeah, I can wait. But I can't make myself younger. Of course, there's always the possibility of changing her mind (either having kids earlier, or accepting kids with an older father), but I think this is where the age difference is really starting to kick in. This is the first *real* objection to the relationship that actually relates to me, rather than the situation we find ourselves in. All our other problems seemed soluble, provided we could find a way to be in the same place for a while.

Now. Well, I can't be what she wants. Even if she wanted the rest of me, which is obviously unproven

(28 April) This isn't such a bad breakup (Self-indulgent bullshit #2)

2004-05-28T20:17:00.000+12:00

Weirdly, I feel OK. I have a feeling that could be because I'm in denial. Alternatively, I've just accepted my reality with a Zen-like calmness that would make my Buddhist teachers really happy.

But it is the most mature and well-handled breakup I've ever had. No-one's being mean, no-one's begging or crying (well, not after the first night). We can sleep in the same bed without irritating the hell out of each other, and we're treating each other with respect

It's a shame, because this feels like a good relationship now (except that she's working too much). I could handle living like this - we're not spending a hell of a lot of time together but we're both getting on with life and enjoying talking when we *do* have time together. It's frustrating, because almost all of the issues that bothered me about the relationship, and that bothered her I guess, were caused by the distance (me being an attention whore, mainly).

So I've been like the housewife, spending a lot of time studying and more time grocery shopping, doing the dishes, cooking, and cleaning the bathroom. I've also had time to do some touristy type things. This feels like a good life dammit - why can't I keep it?

I guess I've worked out how to deal with breakups, too. I'm trying to use my time to reflect, to see what I did wrong (and even right) in the relationship. To see where I fell short of my ideals and my goals for the relationship, and how I could improve next time. Foremost, I'm just trying to treat her with love and respect. I think I'm doing OK so far. I'm proud

(25 April) Here's where I start getting self-indulgent

2004-05-28T20:09:00.000+12:00

WARNING: most entries from now on are going to be whining and self-pitying, but I need to say them somewhere...no need to read 'em....

So, yesterday I actually started feeling bad about things being over. In-between the moments of hope/denial (amazing how we can fool ourselves...but then, how's this for denial: when I was 19, the cops came to my door to tell me my best friend had killed himself (I'd been drinking with him the night before, so they were wondering what was up)...within an hour myself and our other friend had convinced ourselves that he wasn't really dead...talk about fucking denial).

So yeah - part of my holding onto this idea that we could somehow put this on hold for however long it takes (a year? more?). Ignoring the fact that she doesn't want to move to NZ, so I'd have to find a way to move to NE USA. Not impossible, but not really what I'd planned. And ignoring the fact that the relationship was hard enough as it was, when we had regular contact. And we're now basically going to have no contact.

So realism intrudes. And realism is reminding me how much of a future we'd planned together (we had it *all* planned out). And how that future is really going to be. And how after next Friday I will probably never see her again.

(24 April) Today, this day

2004-05-28T20:06:00.000+12:00

Things have been pretty good since I last posted. I've been hanging around Cory's house on my own, pretty much, which was weird at first - she's been at work a lot.

But yesterday her roommate gave me a ticket to Toots and the Maytalls, so I wandered out on my own and checked out the reggae sounds Decent gig, the crowd was really into it. Toots isn't totally my heartbeat, but I dug it. Strolled home and still got back an hour before Cory got home from work. We sat up and talked for a while and that was pretty good.

It's weird (and a bit of a shame). Since we agreed to break up we've been getting on much better. How we are now is pretty much how I'd like us to be, if we were still in a relationship.

Oh well. Our time together started well, and it looks like it's going to end well. And I can't really ask for much more than that.

(23 April) "Ave atque vale"

2004-05-28T20:00:00.000+12:00

"I looked it up V. It means 'hail and farewell'"

That's me.

Let's just say that things didn't work out between Cory and me.

And leave it at that.

No bitterness (at least I'm trying not to be bitter, but a little is probably inevitable). We're still friends. I'm still at her house. I'll still love her, but in the end it was like this:

distance > love.

We tried our best, we failed. That's no dishonour.

(17th April) "You look like a dorky scientist"

2004-05-28T19:43:00.000+12:00

One of the first things an American said to me after I touched down in LA. Hell, I was just glad to be there. This was the woman at Customs, and she was pretty cool (she was telling me I looked a lot better in my passport photo and advising me to cut my hair).

One thing I like about Americans, they are (in general) more outgoing and friendly than a lot of other cultures. And the Customs and Immigration people seem to treat people pretty well. I know I've had less pleasant treatment in Wellington airport, in the town I was born, where I'm a citizen, than I have in the US.

But at the same time it's clear that anyone who infringes the rules even slightly, even if it's just a procedural issue or irregularity, could well run into trouble (my sister's dance teacher was put in jail for three days then deported, and she was just there on a short visit to learn more about dance).

So after a 24-hour trip where I got to meet the world's campest steward, lose $10 dollars in an AT&T phonecard dispenser, and make 20 phone calls trying to get through to Cory, I made it to New Mexico. On-time. And Cory was there only half an hour later, if that (impressive, as she thought she'd be working late). It was all a bit more low-key than I'd expected, she just sat down beside me (having walked up from behind me), "Hi". No running across fields into each others arms. But it will do me.

Only downside so far is that we're both really tired, she's working 12 hour days, and I'm in a different time zone. So, we get home: 1am she's desperate to get some sleep. I can't, so I go sit in the lounge and read till 4am (which is only 10pm, my time). At which point I can sort of get to sleep, so I do, and sleep through till 11am, just in time for Cory to get up and go to work. Where she will be till midnight. Thank God she gets some days off. So here I am, on her roommate's PC, waiting for her to come home <3

(16th April) And all I've been hearing all day....

2004-05-28T19:41:00.000+12:00

is 'not long now'.....'how long to go?'.......'what are you still doing here?'....etc - I love my workmates.

I've cleared loads of work up, I'm happy with that.

I spoke to Cory this morning - she may not be able to meet me at the airport (thanks, Cory's work). But we have to put up with these things.

I've been advised to get into the mile-high club if I can (by Cory), We shall see. I doubt it somehow.

I leave in less than three hours

Today: coming back from New Mexico

2004-05-28T19:36:00.000+12:00

OK, I'm not in the US anymore. I've been incredibly slack and disillusioned about posting, but I'm back into it now. Bear with me while I post updates for the last month or so.

Now: Going to New Mexico

2004-04-16T16:28:00.000+12:00

In about three hours, I'm on the plane. Wish me luck.

I've just realised that the next few weeks are going to define the course of my life, one way or another.

Not that I'm placing any pressure on myself, or anything.

(28th March) Watching the cricket, isolating

2004-03-29T19:21:00.000+12:00

So I wake up late and really dehydrated. The bottle of vodka I took out last night is 3/4 empty. I'm pretty sure I didn't drink all that, but I drank enough to remind me that gin, vodka etc just do not suit me. Not pleasant.

Wander down to the Basin in time for the second session at the cricket. Big crowd in, and it's sunny. But the play is very disappointing. NZ have bowled well but end up batting incredibly slowly and cautiously, and by the day's end have only scored 120 runs, in about 60 overs. Not pretty to watch.

I get home to find I missed a call from Laurie asking me to join him and others at the game. Sigh. At least I made it to the gym.

Party? Bleh. Got into long and pointless argument and made an ass of myself. (I was right, and she was winding me up, but I didn't need to be a bitch about it).

Had to break the news to my "wife" that I actually have a girlfriend. She was disappointed I think but took it well. She's a cool person. I hope we end up as friends seeing as I'm unavailable for anything else.

(26 March) I'm "it"

2004-03-29T19:20:00.001+12:00

The phone tag finally paid off. Probably the only time I'll ever take a phone call at work from someone who's being driven down a long straight Nebraska highway. (Though you never know).

Anyway, she's well and seems to be having a lot of fun on the trip. Communication is always difficult when you've got a time delay, lots of static on the line, and I'm half deaf. But we communicated a few things. Really anyway it's just nice to hear her voice

(23rd March) Intercontinental phone tag

2004-03-29T19:20:00.000+12:00

That's the game I've been playing with Cory.

Life is overly complicated by the time difference and the fact I'm at work all the time, meaning I can try to call her when I wake up, if I have time (about 2 or 3pm her time) or as soon as I get home, if I come straight home from work (about 12.30am her time). Of course, I haven't been coming straight home from work, which means I've only been able to call her at like 2am. Funnily enough, she's not answering the phone.

I'm getting by on the sound of her voice on her answerphone, and emails from mutual friends.

(22nd March) Didn't say goodbye

2004-03-29T19:19:00.001+12:00

Dammit.

I feel bad about this one. Cory's gone on her road trip and I didn't say goodbye properly.

We were chatting and she wasn't around so I wrote a goodbye, and when she didn't reply after what seemed like a good few minutes, I just signed off. Thinking I'd easily be able to chat with her in the next couple of days. And of course she was only briefly online, while I was asleep. And then couldn't get on anyway because her PC would be boxed up ready for the trip.

Good thinking Simon.

Hope she got my parcel, anyway. International mail had better not let me down.

Safe travels kid, I miss you already.

(13th March) At least the game was all right

2004-03-29T19:19:00.000+12:00

And I got to introduce Hillary to New Zealand rugby, which was on her list of things to do in Wellington (weird girl). The game could have been better, but we won, which means this season might actually be worth watching after all. I told Hillary that as she was sitting in my dad's seat she had to shout lots and abuse the ref - and fair play to her, she tried.

I also found out that she's a Chelsea supporter, which earns her several marks off with me. She's leaving town in a day or two so it was good to catch up with her. And in spite of the chemistry which I thought I was seeing between us early on, we never ended up hooking up. A good thing really. I've pretty much decided that the moral way to live my life is as though I'm in a relationship, and to remain faithful accordingly. Any other way of acting just doesn't work for me.

(13th March) Some people live with this shit every day...

2004-03-29T19:18:00.002+12:00

...but it's harsh when you're not used to it.

Walking home from the supermarket about 10pm. I've just been to the rugby, nothing much is happening now and I figure I'll get dinner and go home, have a quiet one.

Car goes by me quite fast and someone leans out of the window and screams at me 'where's your girlfriend you gay fuck?'

OK, not the most devastating insult in the world, but it was the look of true hatred on his face and in his voice that got to me. And I was scared - it was a car full of guys, and if they decided they wanted to bash someone, I wasn't going to be able to do much to fight back.

Then it hit me that some people have to deal with this all the time. I have a renewed respect for gay people, and anyone else who puts up with shit for being who they are.