Distance....
Waiting, but with not much hope, unfortunately. I wish I could see inside her head, understand what was really going on. But at the same time, I think on some level she doesn't know what's going on. At least, I hope she doesn't. The signals are so mixed as to be impossible to decipher: she calls me from a party that loads of her friends are at. She wrote to me today talking about the parcel she's putting together to send to me, and suggesting that we read the same book so we can talk about it, share an experience. Yet in the same email, she talked about Christian, at length.

I don't know. I really, really do not know what is going on. If I'm being honest with myself, I would say that she is starting to see me as a friend that was once something more intimate. But then again, I'm a chronic depressive who thinks that people are plotting against him and that most people hate him, until they come out and tell me otherwise. (OK, I've stopped thinking people are plotting against me - at least, as much as they were. Looks like the therapy's working. Or something is, anyway).

But my point is: how do I know? I have no way of determining the reality of the world around me. I'm just going to persevere, try to live my life, get on with existing where I am, and not expect anything from her and me. And yet. I have a feeling that is something which is easier in the saying than the doing.  
| ¶ 8:45 pm