(25 April) Here's where I start getting self-indulgent
WARNING: most entries from now on are going to be whining and self-pitying, but I need to say them somewhere...no need to read 'em....

So, yesterday I actually started feeling bad about things being over. In-between the moments of hope/denial (amazing how we can fool ourselves...but then, how's this for denial: when I was 19, the cops came to my door to tell me my best friend had killed himself (I'd been drinking with him the night before, so they were wondering what was up)...within an hour myself and our other friend had convinced ourselves that he wasn't really dead...talk about fucking denial).

So yeah - part of my holding onto this idea that we could somehow put this on hold for however long it takes (a year? more?). Ignoring the fact that she doesn't want to move to NZ, so I'd have to find a way to move to NE USA. Not impossible, but not really what I'd planned. And ignoring the fact that the relationship was hard enough as it was, when we had regular contact. And we're now basically going to have no contact.

So realism intrudes. And realism is reminding me how much of a future we'd planned together (we had it *all* planned out). And how that future is really going to be. And how after next Friday I will probably never see her again. 
| ¶ 8:09 pm